Voyeur Joke. Page 9

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voyeur Joke

Voyeurism can be not only kinky and risky, but even fun when it comes to sense of humor. If you think the same, check our funny stories and various jokes.

The middle aged couple (08 November 2009)

The middle aged couple were driving along the suburban street when the traffic cop pulled them over. "You were doing 95 in a built up area", said the cop.
"Rubbish!", replied the husband, "I was only doing 60!"
The cop insisted on 95 and the driver was getting very agitated, when his wife leaned over and said, "Don't argue with him, officer. He's always pigheaded when he's had a few drinks."

The Police Sergeant (06 November 2009)

The Police Sergeant told the young Constable to clean up the drunks hanging around the local bar.
One drunk walked up to him and asked, "Exchuse me, offisser, could you tell me the time?"
"One o'clock", replied the Policeman, and hit him once on the head with his baton.
"Christ!" said the drunk, "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago!"

Herbie limped into the club (04 November 2009)

Herbie limped into the club to have a few beers with his mates.
"Wwhat's wrong, Herbie? You're looking a bit pale", said one.
"Well", said Herbie, looking a bit embarrassed, "I've been in jail for six months after being charged with rape."
"But, mate! You're eighty five!"
"That's the problem", said Herbie. "I pleaded guilty and I got six months for perjury!"

Little Johnnie was at the zoo (02 November 2009)

Little Johnnie was at the zoo with his Mum and Dad. He had never seen an elephant before.
"What's that thing hanging between it's front legs, mum?"
"That's it's trunk."
"And what's that thing hanging between his back legs?'
Embarrassed Mum said, "That's nothing."
Johnnie wasn't happy with this answer and asked his father for confirmation.
"What's that thing hanging between his back legs, Dad?"
"That's his penis", said Dad.
"Mum said it's nothing."
"Yes, but your mother's been spoiled."

A vacancy at the zoo (31 October 2009)

Jobs were hard to get but there was a vacancy at the zoo. On arrival, Pat was told that the gorilla had just died and that they wanted him to put on a gorilla suit and pretend to be a gorilla untill another one could be found.
Pat began to enjoy his job a great deal. Eating bananas, swinging from branch to branch, entertaining the spectators and laying in the sunshine.
One day, while putting on a performance for a big crowd, he swung a bit too far and landed in the lion enclosure next door. He jumped to his feet when he saw two lions growling fiercely. He ran to the bars, screaming for help. He turned round and faced the lions and one said, "If you don't stop that bloody screaming and shouting, we'll all lose our jobs."

The female gorilla (29 October 2009)

The female gorilla at the local zoo had become irritable and moody. She was examined by a veterinarian.
"She's in season,and needs a mate." he said.
The zoo manager decided to advertise to get someone to have sex with his gorilla and placed an ad in the newspaper.

"Wanted. A male to have sex with a female gorilla - $10,000."

Next day, Pady showed up at the zoo.
"I'll make love to the gorilla on three conditions", he said.
1. I don't have to kiss her.
2. If there's a baby, I won't have to pay support.
3. You'll have to give me a couple of weeks to raise the $10,000."

Terry joined the army (27 October 2009)

Terry joined the army and was terrified about having to make his first parachute jump. On the day of the jump he told his wife that he couldn't do it but she reassured him and sent him off for the jump. On his return she asked him how it went.
"Dreadful!" he said. "When the plane got to 10,000 feet, we lined up for the jump and when it got to my turn I just froze in the doorway!"
"So what happened?" she pressed.
"The Sergeant came up behind me pulled out his huge dick and said that if I didn't jump he's stick it right up my arse!" said the embarrassed husband.
"Well did you jump?" she asked
"Yes, - a little bit at first..."

God spoke to Adam (30 May 2009)

God spoke to Adam. "Adam I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I will give you two organs to give you great power and pleasure. I will give you a brain to enable you to think and to control the world. And I will give you a penis to give great pleasure in lovemaking."
"Sounds great God!" said Adam. "But what's the bad news?"
"You only have enough blood to work one at a time."

A man was shipwrecked on an isolated island (28 May 2009)

A man was shipwrecked on an isolated island with nobody for company except his faithful dog. Life was getting monotonous until one day he spotted a sheep on the other side of the island.
Slowly approaching the sheep, he managed to get it into position and was about to mount it when suddenly his dog gave out a frantic bark and he had to give up the idea. A second and subsequent attempts by the man to approach the sheep from the rear met with similar frustrations.
Then one day, a pretty girl was washed ashore almost lifeless, a victim of another shipwreck. After some furious efforts at resuscitation, the man managed to revive the girl.
The girl thanked the man profusely. "I'm so grateful I'd do anything for you. Anything." she said.
"Good!" said the love-struck man happily, "Can you watch my dog for fifteen minutes?"

A man came into the bar (26 May 2009)

A man with his two arms heavily handaged came into the bar and ordered himself a beer. Explaining to the bar waitress that he could not lift the glass on account of his bandaged arms, asked if she would be kind enough to hold the glass for him while he drank the beer from it. The waitress obliged and he got to drink his beer this way. After the fifth round he had to tell the waitress, "I have to visit the wash room. Can you tell me where the wash room is?" The knowing waitress made herself scarce after giving him a speedy reply.

Two golfers got themselves acquainted at the golf co (24 May 2009)

Two golfers got themselves acquainted at the golf course.
"I am a very successfull businessman but I suspect my wife is having an affair with my best friend. I would be willing to pay a tidy sum to anyone one who can dispose off both of them," one of the golfers said.
"I am a very good marksman and I am prepared to offer you my services but I charge $10,000 for each bullet I use," the other said.
Money not being a problem to the rich businessman, the two men struck a deal. It was agreed the the job had to be done immdiately.
"As a matter of fact, you might be able to catch both of them at this very hour. If you can go over to my house now, I'll wait for you here," said the businessman.
The marksman left but returned soon after. He had done the job.
"That will only be $10,000. I needed just one bullet," he reported.

The old chief priest (22 May 2009)

The old chief priest in the remote monastry was sickly and dying, and the time had come for him to choose among the other priests, the one most suitable to suceed him.
He called all of them togehter one day and announced that he had devised an ingenious plan to determine the holiest among them. He then gave out to each of the priests a samll drum and asked that they tied it around their waists. Having done so, they stood in a semi circle while the chef priest clapped his hands. Immediately, from henind the curtains came a bevy of flimsily clad dancers who began to perform the most provocative routine in front of the shocked priests. As the tempo increased, there were drumming sounds coming from the waists of all but one priest.
Approaching this particular priest, the chief priest announced that he had found his successor, at the same time admonishing the rest of the herd for their lack of sanctity. Calling this priest to face the crowd, he lifted his attire but, horror of horrors, he discovered that the drum had broken through!

When God made man… (20 May 2009)

When God made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss. The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took the man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss.
The stomach countered with explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them, man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the asshole become mad and closed up. After a few days the brain went foggy, the legs got wobby, the stomach got ill, thr eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all cenceded and made the asshole boss. This proves that you dont' have to be a brain to be boss.... just an asshole.

A tie salesman (29 April 2009)

A tie salesman was passing by in Arizona when he saw a man crawling in the desert and calling out to him, "Water! Water!"
Without paying any heed to him, he bent over and tried to sell the man a tie. The man shook his head and simply repeated, "Water! Water!"
After trying very hard to sell the man a tie but to no avail, he just left him where he was.
A mirage then appeared before our man in the desert. The man crawled rapidly towards the mirage and eventually found himself at the entrance of a plush hotel. At the door was the tie salesman.
"Water! Water!" he cried out again.
The salesman answered, "You can't enter without a tie."

A condom saleswoman (27 April 2009)

A condom saleswoman was stranded in the countryside and had to put up the night with a farmer and his two hilly-billy sons.
In the middle of the night, she crept into the room where the two brothers were sleeping and woke them up for a bout of passionate love making. She explained that the condoms were to ensure that she did not get pregnant. The next morning she bade them farewell and started off from the farm.
Weeks passed and then one brother spoke to the other: "It has been some time now that she's gone and I don't think she'll ever get pregnant. Let's take these dam things off."

A man is driving down (25 April 2009)

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door,and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.

John just graduated from clinical psychology (23 April 2009)

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, “Once a year!” To John's dismay, he responds, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?” The grinning guy responds, "Tonight’s the night!"

A newlywed couple go to change (21 April 2009)

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank (19 April 2009)

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel (17 April 2009)

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

U.S government decide to enlist the talents of a loc (15 April 2009)


To remember the last stand of General Custer, the U.S government decide to enlist the talents of a local artist to help capture the famous battle.
So the artist goes to work, and spends days painting the massive mural.
The big day comes and all the generals are there, waiting to see the unveiling. The artist gives his speech and unveils the masterpiece, to show Jesus on the cross and hundreds of Indians all having sex.
The crowd is gob-smacked by the painting and demand the artist tell them why he has painted such an atrocity. Calmly, the artist takes the stand and explains that the painting represents Custer's last words,
"Jesus Christ, look at all the fucking Indians!".

Bruce comes home (13 April 2009)

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

An old lady is rocking away (11 April 2009)

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"

A mother and daughter loved to play around (30 March 2009)

A mother and daughter loved to play around. They partied everyday and always ended up fucking everybody around. Their holes were played until they became seasoned and loose. One day, the daughter met the man of her dreams and decided to get married. Now, the man did not know about their flicks and thought the daughter was still a virgin. So he decided to leave any lovemaking until their wedding night. The daughter began to worry about the condition of her hole and consulted her mother, "Mum, I'm worried, what will Peter do if he finds out about my hole?!!" Mother said, "Don't worry dear, I will teach you a way to fool your husband-to-be. Here's what you do, place an apple in your hole and it will be tight and he won't even notice it." So the daughter did what her mother taught her and everything went well and the stupid husband didn't even notice.

This went on for a few months. Now, everytime the daughter wanted to bathe, she would take out the apple and place it on the wash basin and after bathing, she would put it back in her hole. One day, after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin. The husband came into the washroom and saw the apple and thought that her wife left the apple for him and he ate it, "Honey, thanks for the apple. It tasted great!" Shocked, the daughter dare not tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother, "Mum, I'm in deep shit now! I took out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back and Peter found the apple I left on the wash basin and ate it! What sould I do? Will he be poisoned? I'm scared, mum." Mother said, "Don't worry dear, a few years ago, your father ate the WATERMELON I left in the washroom and he lived!"

Two young guys were picked up by the cops (28 March 2009)

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

o O

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

O o

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

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