Voyeur Joke. Page 8

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voyeur Joke

Voyeurism can be not only kinky and risky, but even fun when it comes to sense of humor. If you think the same, check our funny stories and various jokes.

A guy and his wife… (20 March 2010)

A guy and his wife were playing 18 holes of golf. It was a beautiful sunny day and they had the entire course to themselves.
When he was about to hit off at the 13th hole, he collapsed to the ground, clutching his chest, having a heart attack. Despite the fact that he was 6'2" and weighed 18 stone, she picked him up, put him on her shoulders and headed for the clubhouse.
She eventually arrived at the clubhouse still carrying her huge husband on her sholders. Two other club members arrived and helped carry him inside, called an ambulance and sent him to the hospital.
"How could you carry such a huge man on your shoulders from the 13th hole?" the Club President asked the wife in amazement. "Wasn't it difficult?"
"Yes", said the wife, "but carrying him wasn't the hard part. It was picking him up and putting him down after each shot that was difficult."

Every seat in the football… (18 March 2010)

Every seat in the football stadium was sold except one. It was Grand final day. A television reporter noticed the empty seat and thought there might be a story.
"Why is this seat empty"", he asked a man sitting beside it.
"That's my wife's seat", came the reply.
"Then why isn't she here?"
"She died last week", replied the man.
"I'm so sorry to hear that", said the reporter, "but surely you could have found a friend to come with you today."
"No", replied the man, "they're all at the funeral."

He was obviously trying… (16 March 2010)

He was obviously trying to impress her as they walked into the jewellery shop on Friday night.
"Choose any diamond ring you'd like, darling", he said, gesturing flamboyantly.
She chose a five carat setting worth $40,000.
"Can I pay by cheque?", he asked the manager.
"Certainly, sir, but of course you understand that we will have to keep the ring until the cheque is cleared."
A few days later, he returned to the jewellers.
The concerned manager said, "I'm afraid your cheque has bounced."
"Yes, I know", he said, "I just dropped by to thank you and say that I had a really great weekend."

Leo went to the doctor… (14 March 2010)

Leo went to the doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor checked his heart and blood pressure and frowned.
"You've got ten hours to live", he said.
"I demand a second opinion", said Leo, and rushed off to a heart specialist.
The heart specialist checked him out immediately and said, "Leo, you've got nine hours to live."
Leo jumped into his car and raced home to his wife.
"Darling", he said, "I have only eight hours to live."
"What do you want to do in your final hours, Leo?"
"I want to make love", said Leo.
So they jumped into bed.
During their post coital cigaretter, Leo said, "I've got seven hours to live. Can we make love again?"
"Of course", said his loving wife.
After another hour, and another post coital cigarette, he said, "Darling, I have only six hours to live, Lets do it again."
"For Christ's sake, Leo", she said, "It's O.K. for you! You don't have to get up early in the morning."

The Irish girl… (12 March 2010)

The Irish girl had never been into a bar before, and she asked the barman to recommend a drink.
"Try this", he suggested, and mixed her up a dry martini.
She thought it was great, but an hour and six martinis later, she was asleep on the floor, dead drunk.
The barman asked a couple of regulars to help him carry her out to the back room, where one of them suggested that they give her a quickie while she was out cold.
Next night, she returned to the bar and got stuck into the martinis again. As before, she finished up dead drunk. The same three carried her out the back and bonked her again. This went on for a week.
When she came back on the eight night, the barman started mixing the martinis as soon as she walked through the door.
"I'll have a scoth tonight!", she said. "Those martinis make my cunt sore!"

One sunny Sunday… (31 January 2010)

One sunny Sunday, Superman was flying around with nothing to do, so he decided to drop in on Batman.
"Hi, Bat", said Superman, "let's go down the pub and have a beer."
"Not today, Super. My Batmobile's broken down and I've got to fix it. Can't fight crime without it, you know."
Disappointed, Superman went over to Spiderman's place.
"Let's go down the pub for a drink, Spider."
"Sorry Super. I've got a problem with my web gun. Can't fight without it, you know."
Dejectedly, Superman took to the air again, and decided to drop by on Wonder Woman. There she was, lying on her back out on her balcony, stark naked and writhing around. Superman conceived a cunning idea. "Everyone says I'm faster than a speeding bullet, and I've always wondered what sort of screw she'd be'.
So he zoomed down, did her in a flash and zoomed off.
What the hell was that!", cried Wonder Woman.
"I don't know, but it hurt like hell!" said the Invisible Man.

She was gazing in the window… (29 January 2010)

She was gazing in the window of the shoe shop, admiring a beautiful pair of black Italian stiletto heeled shoes, priced far beyong her capacity to pay.
The shoe salesman in the shop beckoned her in. "You can have those shoes if you come to bed with me", he said.
"O.K.", she replied, "but I should tell you, I don't like sex very much."
He gave her the shoes and they booked into a motel room. They took off their clothes and jumped into bed. He humped away while she lay passively, missionary style. Suddenly, she threww her legs up into the air and cried,
"Wonderful!.....Beautiful!..... Oh my God, so lovely!....."
"I thought you didn't like sex", he panted.
"I don't", she replied, "I'm just admiring my beautiful new shoes."

Pete had an embarrassing twitch… (27 January 2010)

Pete had an embarrassing twitch in his eye. He had tried everything to get rid of it. At last he found a Chinese doctor who told him that a regular dose of aspirin would fix his problem.
When he returned, Dr Woo asked him how he was progressing.
"No good", said Pete. "Every time I go into the drug store and ask for a packet of aspirin, they give me these!", and he threw down fifty packets of condoms.



A soldier was having… (25 January 2010)

A soldier was having a psychiatric test prior to discharge. The psychiatrist asked, "Tell me, Private, what would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
"It would be hard to hear", replied the soldier.
"Good", said the psychiatrist. "What would happen If I cut off your other ear?"
"I would't be able to see."
"That's interesting , why do you say that?"
"Because my cap would fall over my eyes."


A young man… (23 January 2010)

A young man went to the psychiatrist complaining that he was getting married and he was worried about the small size of his penis. The psychiatrist advised him to go and stay on a dairy farm, and every morning, dip his penis in milk and get is sucked by a calf.
Some time later, the young man met the psychiatrist in the street.
"How's the marriage going?", asked the psychiatrist.
"I never got married", said the young man. "I cancelled it and bought the calf."

Garry was depressed… (21 January 2010)

Garry was depressed, he told his psychiatrist, because he thought he was gay.
"Why do you feel that way?"
"Because my father was a gay."
"Being gay is not hereditary", said the psychiatrist.
"My brother is gay."
"That still doesn't mean that you are".
"My Uncle Bruce is gay. And my cousin Jeffrey is gay."
The psychiatrist gave a concerned look and frowned.
"Does anyone in your family have sexual contact with women?", he asked.
"Yes", said Garry, "my sister does."

When she met him in the Single Bar… (19 January 2010)

When she met him in the Single Bar, she told him she was Libra on the cusp of Scorpio. He replied that he was Taurus with penis rising.
It was her first night at the Singles Bar and the handsome young guy had asked her home to watch some video.
"No funny business? Nothing serious?", she asked.
"Trust me, We'll just watch a few movies."
"But what if I've seen the movies?"
"Well, you can put your clothes on and go home."




Ossie approached the umpire (17 January 2010)

Ossie approached the umpire after a series of bad decisions.
"If I called you a stupid bastard who didn't know the first thing about the rules of football, what would you do?", he said.
"I'd report you and you'd be fined", replied the umpire.
"What if I didn't say it and I just thought it?", said Ossie.
"Well, there's nothing I can do about that."
"O.K.", said Ossie, "we'll just leave it at that."

The young guy (15 January 2010)

The young guy was a weight lifter and very proud of his physique.
"After I won Gold at the Olympics", he told his new girlfriend, "I got quite a few advertising contracts. Have a look at this." He rolled up his sleeves. On each of his biceps he had 'NIKE' tattooed.
"A thousand dollars for each arm", he said.
He removed his shirt. 'SLAZENGER' was tattooed over his chest.
"I got $10,000 for that one."
He removed his trousers and displayed "PUMA' tattooed on his legs. "And I got $5,000 for this", he added.
But when she saw "AIDS' tattooed on his penis, she was horrified and ran for the door.
"Don't go!", he said. "If you stay you'll find out why I got $20,000 from Adidas.

Bill had just returned home (30 November 2009)

Bill had just returned home from a sales convention in Hong Kong. He spent his days at the convention and his nights in the Red Light district, and was now suffering from a painful and inflamed penis. He hurried to the doctor, who diagnosed it as the Hong Kong Dong and told Bill he would have to have his penis amputated.
Bill was shocked and sought a second opinion, only to be given the same advice - amputation.
A friend recommended a Chinese doctor who practised traditional medicine. The Chinese doctor confirmed the Hong Hong Dong diagnosis but said there was no need for amputation.
"I'm so rlieved!", said Bill.
"Yes", said the Chinese medico, in a week's time it will drop off by itself."

The young tourist… (28 November 2009)

The young tourist was exploring the Red Light district of Bangkok and thought we would try one of the well known Parlours.
"Sory", said the Madam "there are no girls available tonight."
Disappointed, he returned to leave.
"Wait!", said the Madam, "we do have a beautiful young female pig available, and she's very popular with many of our clients. I can guarantee you'll enjoy it."
"Why not!" he thought.
He paid his money and had his way with the pig.
It was so enjoyable that he was back at the same Parlour the next night, asking for the pig.
"I'm sorry", said the Madam, "the pig's not available, but there's good show on tonight - a donkey with one of our girls."
He paid his money and took his seat behind the two-way mirror.
"Gee", he said to the man sitting next to him, "this is incredible."
"It's nothing", said the stranger. "You should have been here last night. There was a man fucking a pig."

An Australian, an Englishman and… (26 November 2009)

An Australian, an Englishman and a Frenchman were discussing the meaning of 'savoir faire'. The Australian gave an example:
"Say a man comes home and finds his best mate screwing his wife in bed. He says, 'G'day Shirley, g'day George. Never mind me, just carry on. I'll go and get a beer.' That's savoir faire!"
The Englishman said, "By jove, that's a good one, but we'd do it a little differently. A chap comes home and finds his chum in bed with his wife and says, "Good evening, Shirley, good evening George, old chap. Never mind me, just carry on whilst I make a gin and tonic.' Now that's savoir faire!"
The Frenchman said, "Non! Non! Zee Frenchman comes home and finds 'is best friend in bed making zee passionate love to his wife, he says, "bonjour mon ami, bonjour Shirlee. Never mind me, just carry on while I pour a glass of champagne.' And my friend continues to make love to my wife, that's savour faire!"

A Jew, an Indian and a Frenchman… (24 November 2009)

A Jew, an Indian and a Frenchman were travelling across Texas when their car broke down. They knocked on a farmers' door and asked for accommodation for the night.
"I can only put up two", said the farmer, "one will have to sleep in the barn," said the Jew.
"I will sleep in the barn", said the Jew.
Five minutes later there was a knock on the door. "There's a pig in the barn", said the Jew, "I cannot sleep with a pig."
"O.K., I'll go", said the Indian.
Five minutes later, there was a knock on the door. "There's a cow in the barn", said the Indian, "I am a Hindu, I cannot sleep with a cow."
"I'll go", said the Frechman.
Five minutes later, there was another knock on the door. It was the pig and the cow.

The young parents… (22 November 2009)

The young parents used code words when discussing sex in front of their children. The terms for intercourse ws "washing machine".
They were lying in bed one night when he said to her, "Darling, washing machine."
"Not now, I've got a headache", she replied.
An hour later, he ran his hand down her leg and said, "Darling, washing machine, please! washing machine."
"I've got a headache!", she complained.
An hour later, feeling sorry for him, she turned to him and said, "O.K. washing machine."
"Don't worry", he replied, "it was a small load so I did it by hand."

Ivon looked worried… (20 November 2009)

Ivon looked worried. He was explaining to his friend about his experience after the party the night before.
"I was so pissed", he said, "I can hardly remember a thing. All I know is that I woke up on top of this woman. I didn't know what to do, so I gave her $20, rolled over and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, I was at home in bed and I realised it was my wife that I'd given the $20 to."
"Well, what's the problem?" said his friend.
"She gave me $10 change", Ivan replied.

A young man got onto a bus… (18 November 2009)

A young man got onto a bus and took a seat beside a most beautiful redhead.
"Hi", he said as he sat down.
"Hello", she replied, "It's a nice day, isn't it? I saw my psychiatrist today and he said that I had a problem."
"What sort of problem?", asked the young man.
"I can't tell you", replied the beautiful young thing. "I don't even know you."
"Well, sometimes it's good to talk over your problems with a perfect stranger", he replied.
"Well", she said, "my psychiatrist said that I'm a nymphomaniac who only likes to have sex with Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name's Shirley."
"Pleased to meet you, Shirley", replied to young man. "My name's Hopalong Goldberg."

"Oh no, it`s... (16 November 2009)

"Oh no, it's my husband!", she said to her boyfriend on hearing the front door slam. "Quick hide in the wardrobe!"
He grabbed his clothes and dashed from the bed to the wardrobe. After a few minutes, another voice said quietly, "It's damn dark in here, isn't it?"
The man, shivering in the nude, said, "Who's there?"
The little voice replied, "Give me $50 and I won't yell out to Dad and tell him who you are."
In no position to argue, he handed over the money, and at the appropriate time made a quick dash out the window.
The following week, Junior came home with a brand new set of roller blades. His mother queried, "Where did you get the money for those?"
"I had $50", he replied.
"Where did you get that kind of money?", but Junior wasn't telling.
Convinced her son was up to no good, she ordered him to go to Church. "Confession will fix you up, my boy. You'll have to tell the Priest", and she pushed him into the confessional box and shut the door.
"It's damn dark in here", he said out loud.
"Now, don't start that again!", said the Priest.

It was Christmas... (14 November 2009)

It was Christmas time and the housewife was waiting impatiently at the front gate for the garbage truck. One by one, she took the garbos to the bedroom and made passionate love to them.
Finally, it was the driver's turn, but he was bitterly disappointed when she gave him $20.
"What's this?", he cried.
"For Christmas", she replied. "My husband said, 'give the driver $20 and fuck the rest."

The Captain (12 November 2009)

The Captain was on the Bridge and there was a heavy fog. He saw a light in front of his ship. He sent a message. "I have right of way."
An answer came from the light. "No you don't. Please turn 30 degrees to port side."
The Captain was infuriated. "I'm the captain of a naval ship. Give way", he sent back.
The light answered "I'm a mariner. Turn 30 degrees to port."
The Captain became really angry. "I'm the Captain of an aircraft carrier. I will not turn!"
An answer came back. "You'll turn 30 degrees to port side. I'm a lighthouse!"

The middle aged man (10 November 2009)

The middle aged man was suffering from stress and depression.
"Relax!", was the doctor's advise.
"Do you drink alcohol?"
"No", said the patient, "never touch it."
"There's no harm in a few glasses of wine every night", said the doctor. "Even a cigaratte. And have sex, at least once a week. From what you've told me, sex is essential."
Two months later, the patient returned to the doctor,saying he felt much better. He enjoyed a couple of glasses of wine and a couple of cigarretes every night.
"And sex. What about sex?", asked the doctor.
"That's a bit difficult. Only once a month", replied the patient. "I'm the parish priest in a small country town."
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