Voyeur Joke. Page 7

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voyeur Joke

Voyeurism can be not only kinky and risky, but even fun when it comes to sense of humor. If you think the same, check our funny stories and various jokes.

New Jersey Body Map (31 May 2010)

One evening, a young man was surprised to find that his bar pickup line had worked and that he was headed to his new companion's apartment. During the drive she explained to him that she was going to show him all about New Jersey using her body.

Interesting, he thought.

First, she took his hand and placed it on her backside, she explained to him that this was "Freehold". Next, she took his other hand and placed it in her breast, she told him that this was "Point Pleasant." Again she took his hand, this time she placed it between her legs.

Believing that he was getting the gist of the game he asked "So, is this Cherry Hill?"

She smiled at him and said "No, this is Eatontown."

Butt Cheek (29 May 2010)

A young lady got into a terrible car accident. Her face was burned terribly. The doctors couldn't use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery. As a result, her husband offered the skin off his butt for the surgery. She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery.

One night she and her husband were watching TV when she broke down crying. "What's the matter?" her husband asked.

She said "I can't believe you did this for me."

Her husband hugged her and replied, "Don't worry about it, I love you, and I'd do anything for you."

But how will I ever repay you?" she asked.

With which he replied, "You don't need to repay me, you wouldn't believe the satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheek."

The Blonde And The Farmer (27 May 2010)

The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.

Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door. A gorgeous blonde in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"

Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale."

The blonde, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"

Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."

So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"

The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."

She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"

The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."

At The Sperm Bank (25 May 2010)

A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe."
She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank."
He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot."
She opens the safe, and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it."
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.
He says, "Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?"


3 Women (23 May 2010)

There are three women , the first one goes to the doctor for a checkup and takes her shirt off. The doctor notices an imprint of an H on her chest and says " Why is there an H on your chest?" and the girl says, "becasue my boyfriend goes to Harvard and he likes to wear his sweater when we have sex. So then the second girl comes up and takes her shirt off and she has an imprint of a Y on her chest, so the doctor says " Why do you have an imprint of a Y on your chest?" and she says "because my boyfriend goes to Yale and he likes to wear his sweater when we have sex. So then the last girl comes up and takes her shirt off and the doctor says " you have an imprint of a M on your chest, Let me guess, your bofriend goes to Michigan?" And she says "no,but my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin

After Sex (21 May 2010)

A man and woman begin to smoke after sex and the man says 'My wife would kill me if she saw me now'
'Why?' the woman replies 'because you had sex with another woman?'

'No...' says the man '...because I quit smoking last week'



Biggest Peepee (19 May 2010)

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, 'Who's got the Biggest Pee Pee'". "How do you play that?" asked the redneck. "It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."

So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play." The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe. "You win for sure," they both said.

Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"

"Yup. I played this game called 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee' and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."

His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."

Three dogs (15 May 2010)

It was a dismal day, and at the local vets surgery three dogs were discussing why they were there.

The first dog (a poodle) told the other two that he had chewed the master's favorite slippers once too often , and was going to be put to sleep for the deed.

The second dog (a Yorkshire terrier) told a similar story about a new suite of furniture. He too was to be put to sleep.

"What about you, what's your story?" said the poodle to the third dog, which happened to be a very large German Shepherd .

The German Shepherd proceeded to tell his story.

"My story starts when my pretty young mistress was taking a shower with the bathroom door open, and on seeing her in this state of undress, I barked very loudly. Startled, she then dropped the soap, and bent down to pick it up. Well, I don't know what came over me, but I could not control my sexual urges."

"I suppose you are going to be destroyed?" said the poodle.

"No" said the german Shepard. "I am in to have my claws clipped!"

The piss test (13 May 2010)

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.


Once Upon a Wish (11 May 2010)

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a "genie". But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works". "You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It
looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with
plentiful food and drink."

***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached!

Sperm Bank (09 May 2010)

A man walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun, he demands that the woman at the counter "take it out". "We have no money sir, this is a sperm bank", she replies. "I don't care" says the robber, "take it out and drink it down!", he damands. Scared for her life she drinks down a sperm sample. "Do it again" the angry robber yells, and the woman complies. Taking off his mask the woman realizes it's her husband... he looks her in the eye and says "see I told you it wasn't so bad".

Together Again (07 May 2010)

Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

Three Men At A Bar (05 May 2010)

There was an English man, an Irish man and a Scots man at a bar.
The English man says "I went into me daughters bedroom the other day and found a packet of fags" then says "the thing is I didn't realised she smoked"
The Scots man then says "I had a similar experience; I went into my daughters bedroom and found a bottle of vodka" he says "the thing is I didn't realise she drank"
The Irish man then said "The same thing happened to me; I went into my daughters bedroom and found a packet of condoms" he then says "The thing is I didn't realise she had a penis."

Family Reunion (03 May 2010)

Three old ladies driving to a family reunion discoverd they had a problem. All three husbands had the same name - LeRoy. The driver came up with an idea of naming their husbands after a soft drink. The other ladies thought this was a wonderful idea.
The driver went first and said she would name hers mountain dew, he was big as a mountain and could dew it all not long, the passenger in the front seat said "I am going to name mine after 7up, he has 7 inches and is up all night long". The third lady thought for a while and said " I am going to name mine Jim Beam" The driver looked at her and said girl, that is not a soft drink that's a hard licker, the girl in the back said "Thats my man".

Frank and Harry… (01 May 2010)

Frank and Harry had been partners for many years. They had just employed a new secretary and Frank had taken her out.
"How was it?", enquired Harry.
"Fantastic! And I don't mind saying, that she's far better in the cot than my wife."
A couple of weeks later, Harry took the secretary out, and the following morning, he said, "You're right Frank, she is better in the cot than your wife!"

She came screaming… (29 April 2010)

She came screaming into the Police Station."This guy broke into my apartment", she said.
"He ripped off my clothes and threw me onto the floor. When I laid there, naked, he grabbed my purse and ran off."
"Did you scream?", asked the Sergeant.
"Of course not!" she replied. "How did I know he was going to rob me?"

Forgive me, Father… (27 April 2010)

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
Yesterday I made love to my wife."
The priest explained that there was nothing wrong with that.
"But Father, I did it with lust."
"That's alright", said the priest, "that was no sin."
"But Father, it was in the middle of the day."
"That's quite natural", replied the priest.
But Father, I couldn't help myself. She leant over the deep freeze and I jumped on her. We made love on the floor. Am I banned from church?"
"Of course not!."
"What a relief. We've both been banned from Woolworths."

The eighty year old man… (25 April 2010)

The eighty year old man had gone to see his doctor for pre-marriage tests.
"I'm marrying a twenty year old", he said.
"Why are you doing that?", asked the doctor.
"I want a son and heir. Can you give me any advice?"
"Yes, get a lodger", said the doctor, smirking. A few months later, the old fellow returned to the doctor.
"Is your wife pregnant yet?", queried the doctor.
"Yes".
"So you did take in a lodger?"
"Oh yes", replied the old man, "and she's pregnant too!"

Dr. Watson and Sherlock Holmes… (23 April 2010)

Dr. Watson and Sherlock Holmes were walking through the park when they passed three women eating bananas.
"Ah", said Holmes, " I see a spinster, a prostitute and a newlywed."
"Amazing, Holmes!", said Dr Watson, "How did you deduce that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. "See how the spinster breaks the banana into small pieces before possing them into her mouth? Whilst the prostitute in the middle holds the banana in both hands."
"Yes, Holmes, but how do you know the other one is newlywed?"
"Well", said Holmes," she's holding the banana with one hand and thumping herself on the back of the head with the other."

The sweet old couple… (21 April 2010)

The sweet old couple in the Old Folks Home were suffering from Alzheimers.
"Darling", she said, "would you get something for me from the kitchen?"
"Certainly, sweetheart", he replied. "What would you like?"
"Get me a pen and paper and I'll write it down", she said.
"No, you tell me. I'll remember", he said proudly.
"But you always forget. I'll write it down."
"No, I won't forget", he protested.
She gave in.
"Alright... I want two scoops of vanilla iceream with chocolate sauce and crushed nuts sprinkled on top and a wafer biscuits. Have you got that?"
"Yes", he replied.
"Well, repeat it to me", she demanded.
So he repeated the order.
About two hours later, he returned from the kitchen with a large plate of bacon and eggs.
"You silly old fool", she growled. "You've forgotten the toast!"

The old bloke.. (01 April 2010)

The old bloke was a bit embarrassed, but he had to see the doctor.
"I'm worried, doc", he said. "I met this twenty five year woman last night and she made passionate love to me. Since then, my old fella has swollen to twice its normal size, its become red and itchy and there's a discharge beginning to appear."
The doctor examined him.
"You'd better sit down", he said. "You're about to cum."


A woman was… (30 March 2010)

A woman was in a serious car accident and ended up in hospital in a coma. One day, while bathing her, the nurse noticed that when she washed near the woman's public region, her vital signs increase.
Surprised, the nurse called the woman's husband and explained that, maybe if the husband came down to the hospital and engaged in oral sex with his wife, she might come out of the coma.
The husband rushed down to the hospital and locked himself in his wife's hospital room. About twenty minutes later, he came runnig out of the room, all flustered. "Nurse! My wife's vital signs have stopped!"
The doctors and nurses rushed into the room and revived her. Later, the nurse was discussing with the husband what had gone wrong.
"I don't know", he said, I think she was choking."

Little Harold was hopping…. (28 March 2010)

Little Harold was hopping on one foot then the other.
"I gotta piss! I gotta piss!", he cried to his mother in front of her friends.
Mother took him to the toilet and explained to him that next time he wanted to go to the toilet, he should not use those words. She said he should come in and talk quietly - "That's a whisper" she said.
Two hours later, Harold came rushing in again.
"I wanna whisper! I wanna whisper!", he said.
His mother knew what he wanted and took him to the toilet, after which he was rewarded with a candy bar.
That night the urge came on again. Harold jumped out of bed and ran to his father.
"What is it, son?", his father asked.
"I wanna whisper, Daddy. I wanna whisper."
"O.K. son, come here and whisper in my ear."

A woman rushed up… (26 March 2010)

A woman rushed up to the manager of the movie theatre and complained that she had been molested in the front stalls.
The manager calmed her down and was ushering her to another seat when another woman complained to him that she had been molested in the front stalls too.
The manager went down to the front and shone his torch along the floor where he saw a bald man crawling along on his hands and knees.
"What are you doing?" demanded the manager.
The bald man looked up. "I've lost my toupee. It fell off in the dark. I had my hand on it twice but it got away!"


A guy walked into the pub

A guy walked into the pub with an ostrich and a cat. He walked up to bar and ordered three beers, they sat at a table and began drinking.
When they'd finished, the ostrich went to the bar and ordered three more beers. This happened several times. First the man, then the ostrich but never the cat.
"Why isn't the cat buying?", asked the curious barman.
"It's a strange story", replied the man, "I was walking along the beach one day and found a lamp. I gave it a rub and a genie appeared and said, "You have one wish - anything you like", I thought for a moment and asked for a big bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

Little Johnnie… (22 March 2010)

Little Johnnie was learning new words.
"Mum, what's pussy?"
Mother pointed at the cat and said, "That's a pussy."
"Mum, what's a bitch?"
Mother pointed to their female dog and said, "That's a bitch."
Johnnie wanted to confirm this information with his father.
"Daddy!" he said excitedly, "What's a pussy?"
Father pulled out the centrefold of the Playboy magazine and drew a circle around the appropriate part.
"Son", he said, "that's a pussy."
"Well, Dad, what's a bitch?"
"Everything outside the circle", replied his father.
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