Voyeur Joke. Page 6

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voyeur Joke

Voyeurism can be not only kinky and risky, but even fun when it comes to sense of humor. If you think the same, check our funny stories and various jokes.

An Excellent Costume Party Idea (20 July 2010)

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

Vengence Is Mine! (18 July 2010)

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

The Irish girl had... (16 July 2010)

The Irish girl had never been into a bar before, and she asked the barman to recommend a drink.
"Try this", he suggested, and mixed her up a dry martini.
She thought it was great, but an hour and six martinis later, she was asleep on the floor, dead drunk.
The barman asked a couple of regulars to help him carry her out to the back room, where one of them suggested that they give her a quickie while she was out cold.
Next night, she returned to the bar and got stuck into the martinis again. As before, she finished up dead drunk. The same three carried her out the back and bonked her again. This went on for a week.
When she came back on the eight night, the barman started mixing the martinis as soon as she walked through the door.
"I'll have a scoth tonight!", she said. "Those martinis make my cunt sore!"

One sunny Sunday... (14 July 2010)

One sunny Sunday, Superman was flying around with nothing to do, so he decided to drop in on Batman.
"Hi, Bat", said Superman, "let's go down the pub and have a beer."
"Not today, Super. My Batmobile's broken down and I've got to fix it. Can't fight crime without it, you know."
Disappointed, Superman went over to Spiderman's place.
"Let's go down the pub for a drink, Spider."
"Sorry Super. I've got a problem with my web gun. Can't fight without it, you know."
Dejectedly, Superman took to the air again, and decided to drop by on Wonder Woman. There she was, lying on her back out on her balcony, stark naked and writhing around. Superman conceived a cunning idea. "Everyone says I'm faster than a speeding bullet, and I've always wondered what sort of screw she'd be'.
So he zoomed down, did her in a flash and zoomed off.
What the hell was that!", cried Wonder Woman.
"I don't know, but it hurt like hell!" said the Invisible Man.

She was gazing in... (12 July 2010)

She was gazing in the window of the shoe shop, admiring a beautiful pair of black Italian stiletto heeled shoes, priced far beyong her capacity to pay.
The shoe salesman in the shop beckoned her in. "You can have those shoes if you come to bed with me", he said.
"O.K.", she replied, "but I should tell you, I don't like sex very much."
He gave her the shoes and they booked into a motel room. They took off their clothes and jumped into bed. He humped away while she lay passively, missionary style. Suddenly, she threww her legs up into the air and cried,
"Wonderful!.....Beautiful!..... Oh my God, so lovely!....."
"I thought you didn't like sex", he panted.
"I don't", she replied, "I'm just admiring my beautiful new shoes."

A young man went... (10 July 2010)

A young man went to the psychiatrist complaining that he was getting married and he was worried about the small size of his penis. The psychiatrist advised him to go and stay on a dairy farm, and every morning, dip his penis in milk and get is sucked by a calf.
Some time later, the young man met the psychiatrist in the street.
"How's the marriage going?", asked the psychiatrist.
"I never got married", said the young man. "I cancelled it and bought the calf."

A soldier was having... (08 July 2010)

A soldier was having a psychiatric test prior to discharge. The psychiatrist asked, "Tell me, Private, what would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
"It would be hard to hear", replied the soldier.
"Good", said the psychiatrist. "What would happen If I cut off your other ear?"
"I would't be able to see."
"That's interesting , why do you say that?"
"Because my cap would fall over my eyes."

Pete had an embarrassing... (06 July 2010)

Pete had an embarrassing twitch in his eye. He had tried everything to get rid of it. At last he found a Chinese doctor who told him that a regular dose of aspirin would fix his problem.
When he returned, Dr Woo asked him how he was progressing.
"No good", said Pete. "Every time I go into the drug store and ask for a packet of aspirin, they give me these!", and he threw down fifty packets of condoms.

Garry was depressed... (04 July 2010)

Garry was depressed, he told his psychiatrist, because he thought he was gay.
"Why do you feel that way?"
"Because my father was a gay."
"Being gay is not hereditary", said the psychiatrist.
"My brother is gay."
"That still doesn't mean that you are".
"My Uncle Bruce is gay. And my cousin Jeffrey is gay."
The psychiatrist gave a concerned look and frowned.
"Does anyone in your family have sexual contact with women?", he asked.
"Yes", said Garry, "my sister does."

When she met him... (02 July 2010)

When she met him in the Single Bar, she told him she was Libra on the cusp of Scorpio. He replied that he was Taurus with penis rising.
It was her first night at the Singles Bar and the handsome young guy had asked her home to watch some video.
"No funny business? Nothing serious?", she asked.
"Trust me, We'll just watch a few movies."
"But what if I've seen the movies?"
"Well, you can put your clothes on and go home."

Ossie approached... (30 June 2010)

Ossie approached the umpire after a series of bad decisions.
"If I called you a stupid bastard who didn't know the first thing about the rules of football, what would you do?", he said.
"I'd report you and you'd be fined", replied the umpire.
"What if I didn't say it and I just thought it?", said Ossie.
"Well, there's nothing I can do about that."
"O.K.", said Ossie, "we'll just leave it at that."

The young guy was... (28 June 2010)

The young guy was a weight lifter and very proud of his physique.
"After I won Gold at the Olympics", he told his new girlfriend, "I got quite a few advertising contracts. Have a look at this." He rolled up his sleeves. On each of his biceps he had 'NIKE' tattooed.
"A thousand dollars for each arm", he said.
He removed his shirt. 'SLAZENGER' was tattooed over his chest.
"I got $10,000 for that one."
He removed his trousers and displayed "PUMA' tattooed on his legs. "And I got $5,000 for this", he added.
But when she saw "AIDS' tattooed on his penis, she was horrified and ran for the door.
"Don't go!", he said. "If you stay you'll find out why I got $20,000 from Adidas.

Bill had just returned... (26 June 2010)

Bill had just returned home from a sales convention in Hong Kong. He spent his days at the convention and his nights in the Red Light district, and was now suffering from a painful and inflamed penis. He hurried to the doctor, who diagnosed it as the Hong Kong Dong and told Bill he would have to have his penis amputated.
Bill was shocked and sought a second opinion, only to be given the same advice - amputation.
A friend recommended a Chinese doctor who practised traditional medicine. The Chinese doctor confirmed the Hong Hong Dong diagnosis but said there was no need for amputation.
"I'm so rlieved!", said Bill.
"Yes", said the Chinese medico, in a week's time it will drop off by itself."

The young tourist... (24 June 2010)

The young tourist was exploring the Red Light district of Bangkok and thought we would try one of the well known Parlours.
"Sory", said the Madam "there are no girls available tonight."
Disappointed, he returned to leave.
"Wait!", said the Madam, "we do have a beautiful young female pig available, and she's very popular with many of our clients. I can guarantee you'll enjoy it."
"Why not!" he thought.
He paid his money and had his way with the pig.
It was so enjoyable that he was back at the same Parlour the next night, asking for the pig.
"I'm sorry", said the Madam, "the pig's not available, but there's good show on tonight - a donkey with one of our girls."
He paid his money and took his seat behind the two-way mirror.
"Gee", he said to the man sitting next to him, "this is incredible."
"It's nothing", said the stranger. "You should have been here last night. There was a man fucking a pig."

An Australian, an... (22 June 2010)

An Australian, an Englishman and a Frenchman were discussing the meaning of 'savoir faire'. The Australian gave an example:
"Say a man comes home and finds his best mate screwing his wife in bed. He says, 'G'day Shirley, g'day George. Never mind me, just carry on. I'll go and get a beer.' That's savoir faire!"
The Englishman said, "By jove, that's a good one, but we'd do it a little differently. A chap comes home and finds his chum in bed with his wife and says, "Good evening, Shirley, good evening George, old chap. Never mind me, just carry on whilst I make a gin and tonic.' Now that's savoir faire!"
The Frenchman said, "Non! Non! Zee Frenchman comes home and finds 'is best friend in bed making zee passionate love to his wife, he says, "bonjour mon ami, bonjour Shirlee. Never mind me, just carry on while I pour a glass of champagne.' And my friend continues to make love to my wife, that's savour faire!"

Several young French... (20 June 2010)

Several young French boys were called by the Paris Authorities for a medical check-up to determine the father of a teenage girl's baby.
Pierre was first in, and after a few minutes, came out and said, "Don't worry, they'll never find out 'oo it was. They're taking samples from the finger."

A Jew, an Indian... (18 June 2010)

A Jew, an Indian and a Frenchman were travelling across Texas when their car broke down. They knocked on a farmers' door and asked for accommodation for the night.
"I can only put up two", said the farmer, "one will have to sleep in the barn," said the Jew.
"I will sleep in the barn", said the Jew.
Five minutes later there was a knock on the door. "There's a pig in the barn", said the Jew, "I cannot sleep with a pig."
"O.K., I'll go", said the Indian.
Five minutes later, there was a knock on the door. "There's a cow in the barn", said the Indian, "I am a Hindu, I cannot sleep with a cow."
"I'll go", said the Frechman.
Five minutes later, there was another knock on the door. It was the pig and the cow.

Fortunately the... (16 June 2010)

Fortunately the penis is one of the few things still exempt from taxation. The reason is because it's usually hanging around unemployed. The rest of the time, it's either hard up, pissed off or in a hole. It also has two dependants and they're both nuts and its best friend is a cunt.

The young parents... (14 June 2010)

The young parents used code words when discussing sex in front of their children. The terms for intercourse ws "washing machine".
They were lying in bed one night when he said to her, "Darling, washing machine."
"Not now, I've got a headache", she replied.
An hour later, he ran his hand down her leg and said, "Darling, washing machine, please! washing machine."
"I've got a headache!", she complained.
An hour later, feeling sorry for him, she turned to him and said, "O.K. washing machine."
"Don't worry", he replied, "it was a small load so I did it by hand."

Doctor, I... (12 June 2010)

"Doctor, I feel weak and faint."
"How many times do you have sex?", asked the doctor.
"Five or six times a night."
"Obviously that's the cause of your problem", said the doctor.
"What a relief, doc. I was afraid it might be the masturbation."


Executive Stress? (10 June 2010)

An executive goes to see his doctor, complaining of feeling worn out all the time due to his long working hours. The doctor asks him a few questions about his lifestyle.

Doc: "So, do you and your wife have an active sex-life?"

Exec: "Yes, doc, twice a day, once in the morning before I go to work and again last thing at night."

Doc: "Hmm, and any other love interests?"

Exec: "Actually, my secretary, twice a day, once at eleven o'clock when she brings my mid-morning coffee and again at four o'clock when she brings my afternoon tea."

Doc: "Hhhhmmmmm, and so you make love a total of four times a day?!"

Exec: "Actually, I also see my mistress twice a day, at lunch-time and we make love, and I pop round to see her on my way home from work and we make love then, too."

Doc: "My God, man, no wonder you're always feeling exhausted! You really must take matters in hand!"

Exec: "But I do, doc, twice a day..."

Playing Train (08 June 2010)

There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying, "All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to change seats, change seats now 'cause the train's getting ready to leave. Whoo whooooo."

The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him, "Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up, you can't play with your train set for two hours." So the boy took his nap and didn't even mention his train set for two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say. The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said, "Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a bitches who are pissed 'cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the bitch in the kitchen.

Best Job (06 June 2010)

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited!"

The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited!"

The bride replies "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

Free Oranges (04 June 2010)

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

Cars In Heaven (02 June 2010)

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".
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