Voyeur Joke. Page 33

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voyeur Joke

Voyeurism can be not only kinky and risky, but even fun when it comes to sense of humor. If you think the same, check our funny stories and various jokes.

monkey fucking (22 August 2004)

Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.The gay men are fascinated by this.One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours nonstop.When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. Next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?", he crys, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written ..."

A guy and his monkey (20 August 2004)

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?""No. What did that stupid shit do this time?" says the patron."Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender."Yeah, well I hope it kills the fucker because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.The guy finishes his drink and leaves.Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted."Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks."What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender."Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

calling in sick (19 August 2004)

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucking her."The boss says, "You fuck your sister?"

strange (18 August 2004)

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the Mom."Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married, so this is pretty much my husband."The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?!" he asked.His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."The father walked out of the room shaking his head too. The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator sitting next to him, watching the football game."For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"

i see you (15 August 2004)

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

Blowing Chunks (13 August 2004)

These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.
The first guy said, ''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''
The second guy said, ''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.''
The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''
Then the first guy said, ''No -- you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"

Superman (12 August 2004)

Superman was flying around metropolis, he was thinking that he needed a fuck and lois lane just wasn't doing it for him anymore, so he decided to find someone who could give him what he needed
He flew to gotham city and asked Batman who he thought the best fuck in the universe was...and he replied Wonder Woman!! definately no doubt!
Superman decided to get a second opinion so he went to ask Spiderman and he said the same...
So Superman flew off to see if he could find Wonder Woman...he saw her lying in a field..naked with her legs wide open...Superman decided that he could swoop down at the spped of sound and be in and out before she noticed anything..
So he gets the speed up and flies down...in,out,in,out and flew away again...quick as a flash....Wonder Woman sat up and said what the hell was that??! and the Invisible Man replies...
i haven't got a clue but my arse is killing me!

the difference between a beer and a deer (11 August 2004)

(question) whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
(answer) beer nuts are $1.99 and deer nuts are under a buck

redneck virgin (10 August 2004)

Q: What do you call a redneck virgin?
A: A seven year old who can run faster than her brothers.

Creation of the pussy (09 August 2004)

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit, Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole, Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within, Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without, Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee, Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.

SUPERMODELS (08 August 2004)

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!"
Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to freaking crash!" Claudia responds: I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces- which is why I am putting on my make-up." Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!" Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts- which is why I am exposing my tits!"
Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her "love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi - Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see??" Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!!"

autopsy (07 August 2004)

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.
"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."
At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?"
After the class was over, it took the janitor three hours to mop up the vomit.

light (06 August 2004)

whats the difference between light and hard????... you can sleep with the light on but you cant sleep with a hard on

mental institution (05 August 2004)

In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"
Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest."
"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and goes across the hall into Fred's room, and finds Fred sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With surprise she asks, "Fred what the hell are you doing!?"
Fred smiles and replies, "I'm fucking Charlie's wife. He's in Chicago!"

some gay title (04 August 2004)

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

Doctor Dave (03 August 2004)

Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"Dave, you're a vet..."

Pharmacy Fence (02 August 2004)

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy."
"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."
So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in.
She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"
"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

oh no (01 August 2004)

Whats the saying when you share a room with an ex convict?
Night night keep your asshole tight!

2 boys (30 July 2004)

2 boys were sittin around one day and a little girl walks by and says "You are both penis' ." The one boy looks at the other and says "whats a penis?" The other boy replies " I don't know, I'll ask my dad". So later that night he asks his dad "whats a penis?" So his dad drops his pants and says "son, this is a penis and its perfect." So the next day at school the boy says "so, did you find out?" And the boy says "yep." So he drops his pants and says "this is a penis, and if it was 2 inches shorter, it would be perfect."

Two beautiful statues (29 July 2004)

Two beautiful statues in a park, facing each other across the grass, one of a young girl and the other of a young man, looking towards each other like young lovers. These statues gave so much pleasure to people visiting the park that God looked down and decided to reward them with life for 30 minutes, on a Sunday when the park was closed to the public. Immediately when they came alive, they ran together into the bushes and could be heard giggling and cooing with pleasure and the bushes were shaking. After 15 minutes they came out and realized that they still had 15 minutes more life to live. "What shall we do now then" said the boy statue. "Let's do the same thing again" she replied. "Okay", said the boy statue, "but this time, you hold the pidgeons down while I shit on them".

four gay guys (28 July 2004)

Okay, four gay guys walk into a bar, they see that there is only one bar stool. What do they do?
A.)They flip it over!
Hahah

beautiful woman...... (26 July 2004)

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

Britney Spears and Barbie (25 July 2004)

What does Britney Spears and Barbie have in common?
They're Both BLONDE, BRAINLESS, N...PLASTIC!

Michael Jackson and Acne (23 July 2004)

Q:Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and Acne?
A:Acne waits till your a kid is 13 to come on his face.

sperm donor bank (22 July 2004)

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
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