Voyeur Joke. Page 31

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voyeur Joke

Voyeurism can be not only kinky and risky, but even fun when it comes to sense of humor. If you think the same, check our funny stories and various jokes.

4 nuns (16 January 2005)

There were 4 nuns wating at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter comes out to welcome them but tells each nun that to enter they must answer a question and the response must be the truth.
St Peter first goes to mother superior and asks "have you ever touched a mans privates?" to which mother superior replies "NO, never". St Peter accepts the answer and allows mother superior to go through the pearly gates into heaven.
St Peter then comes to the second nun and asks the same question to which the nun replies "Yes sir, with my hand". St Peter says "ok, not a problem, just wash your hand in holy water and you can come in.
St Peter then comes to the 3rd and 4th nun who are for some reason squabbhling. St Peter says "Now, Now, theres no reason to fight, there is plenty of room inside for everyone to which the 4th nun shouts "If you think I'm washing my mouth out in the holy water after she's had her arse in it you've got another thing coming.

Flips flops (14 January 2005)

John and Tom are sitting in a bar. John looks a little depressed, Tom asks: "What's wrong buddy?"
John replies: "Well, it;s my wife's birthday next week and I don't know what to get her"
Tom's face lights up and he says: "It was my wife's birthday 2 weeks ago"
John replies: "Oh yah, what did you get her?"
Tom replies:"A Mercedes Benz and a Diamond Ring"
John's jaw drops and he says: "Holy Shit, why'd you get her those?"
Tom replies: "Well, if she doesn;t like the Mercedes, she'll definately like the diamond"
John: "Ah, I think I get it"
the next week, Tom and John are again sitting in the same bar
Tom pipes up: "Hey John, isn't it your wife's birthday this week" John: "Sure is"
Tom: "Wadda get her?"
John (proudly): "Flip-Flops and a Dildo"
Tom: "Flip-Flops and a Dildo?!?"
John: "Yah, if she doesn;t like the flip-flops, she can go fuck herself"

Blondes redhead and brunettes (12 January 2005)

Q. What do you call a room full of blondes, redneads and brunette virgins.

A. Assorted Nuts.

Kiss (10 January 2005)

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.She picked a little boy to do the first test.She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't," said the little boy. "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work." Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of Ass!"

Haha, wicked funny (08 January 2005)

a cucumber, pickle, and a dick walk down a street the cucumber says "o no they r gunna chop me up and put me in a sandwitch!!" the pickle says "o no they r gunna chop me up and put me in a sandwitch!!" the dick says "u guys got it easy they r gunna put a plastic bag over my head, make me go in dark caves, and make me do push ups till i throw up"

3 men in a pub (06 January 2005)

Three men in a pub, after a few drinks start talking about their wives

First one says my wife is so stupid she bought Ђ500 of meat cause it was in a sale and she doesn't eat meat...

Second guy says my wife is worse. she spent Ђ7000 on a new car and she can't even drive.....

The third man laughs and says - my wife is so stupid it is unbeliveable. she is going on holiday with her friends and bought 5 boxes of condoms and she doesn'e even have a PENIS!!!

Pet frog (01 January 2005)

This little boy goes into a whore house and tells the clerk, "I want the nastiest infected bitch you got!" The clerk said well that would be betsy on the second floor, but son dont mind me for asking, why do u want to fuck her?!! Well the little boys says, " I'll fuck her and get a disease, then i'll go home and fuck my sister, and she'll fuck my dad, and he'll fuck my mom, and she'll fuck the mailman." Clerk ask why do yiu want the mail man to catch a disease? Because he's the dirty ass bastard that ran over my pet frog!!!

Two drunks (30 December 2004)

Two drunks in a pub one sez:
- "I've fucked ur mother... put my cock down her throat...cum in her face.... then boned her up the arse till it split.... then made her howl like a dog with pain..."
The other sez:
- "I think u've had enough to drink now dad"

A couple just... (28 December 2004)

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before."

The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it."

"Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, I do miss him!"

Miss huberd (26 December 2004)

Little miss Huberd went the cupboard to fetch her poor doggy a bone,
But when she bent over, up came rover, and gave her a bone of his own!

Elevator fart (24 December 2004)

three guys are in an elevator
two gay one straight
the first gay guy rips a fart and its silent
the seconed gay guy farts and it to is silent
the straight guy figures what the hell and lets out a loud nasty fart
the fags look at each other and say "virgin"

Sick old ladies (22 December 2004)

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What’s that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

Lets pretend (12 December 2004)

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, «Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag.»Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said, «Father, I'm cold.» He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said,»Father, I'm still very cold.» He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.Just as his eyes closed, she said, «Father, I'm sooooo cold.»
This time, he remained there and said, «Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married.»The nun said, «That's fine by me.»
To which the priest yelled out, «Get up and get your own fucking blanket!»

Good one (10 December 2004)

Q. What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
A. I can't see a thing with all this shit in here!

Ten years (08 December 2004)

One day, this guy who had been stranded on a desert island all alone for 10 years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.'It's certainly not a ship,' he thinks to himself.As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibility of a small boat, then even a raft.Suddenly emerging from the surf walking towards him comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.She approaches the stunned guy and asks, 'How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?' 'Ten years,' he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of fresh cigarettes. He takes a long drag and says, 'Man oh man. Is that ever good.' She then asks him, 'How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?' Trembling, he replies, 'Ten years.' She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, 'Wow, that's absolutely fantastic.'Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wetsuit, looks at him seductively and asks, 'And how long has it been since you've played around?' The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, 'Oh my God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!'

The sleepover (06 December 2004)

Bob went to go visit his friends in the country side. There was a horrible storm and his car wouldnt start. So he asked if he could stay the night at his friends house. Since there was no furniture besides the bed they all had to sleep in the same bed. So there they are Bob his friend and his friends wife. In the middle of the night Bobs friends wife (Mary) whispers to him: «Bob come over here and have sex with me.»»But wont your husband wake up?» Bob replied.»Just pull one of his ass hairs and youll see he wont.»So Bob removed one of his friends ass hairs and went over to have sex with Mary. She called to Bob again and again all through the night so they could have sex. And each time they did Bob plucked one of his friends ass hairs. Then at 5 a.m. Mary said:
«Bob come over here and have sex with me.» So Bob plucked one of his friends ass hairs and his friend said.
«Ya know Bob. I dont mind you sleeping with my wife but I wish you wouldnt use my ass as a score board.»

A cat story (04 December 2004)

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turn on a night-light, turn on the answering machine, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phone the local cab company and request a taxi.The taxi arrives, and the couple opens the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because «she» always tries to eat the bird.The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the taxi driver to know the house will be empty. So, she explains to him that her husband will be out soon. «He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.»A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. «Sorry I took so long,» he says, as they drive away. «Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!»The cabdriver hit a parked car.

2 black eyes (02 December 2004)

A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!"
"I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "But how did you get the second black eye?"

2 lips and 7 kisses (30 November 2004)

A woman goes into a collectables store and asks the clerk "Sir, i was wondering if you have an old album called 2 big lips and seven kisses".
The clerk replies "No, but i have to big balls and seven inches."
"Oh my," the lady says, "Is that a record?"
The clerk says "No but its a fuckin good average."

2 good buddies out hunting (25 November 2004)

Two good buddies, Bill and Bob, were way out in the boonies out hunting and not having
much luck. Finally they decide to take a few minutes and rest a bit, when Bob, decides
that he has to go pee.
Unfortunately for Bob, he does'nt look out where he pointing his pecker, and a rattlesnake bites him on the head of his dick!!!
Well, after several seconds of jumping, screaming, and begging, the snake finally lets go and slithers away into the grass.
And as luck would have it, neither one knew how to treat a snake bite, so Bill decided that he would hike out and get to a doctor.
After several hours of hiking, Bill finally finds a doctor who tells him that he must, in order to save his friends life, suck the venom out of the bite with his mouth. And, as luck would have it, the doctor had a dirt bike on hand that he loaned to Bill to help rescue Bob.
So with the dirtbike, Bill was able to get to Bob in short order, and when Bob saw Bill, he weakly asked him, "What did the doctor tell you?" And Bill said: "You gonna Die!!!"

You gotta love a drunk (23 November 2004)

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk

In the beginning (19 November 2004)

WHEN MAN was first created, all the parts of the body were having a dispute over WHO was going to be boss. The brain spoke up saying:" I should be boss because I create & process thought "." Big deal," says the stomach," I feed the rest of you" The legs speak up " So you eat & think , how you going to get anywhere "? The arms say "How ya going to eat if I don't feed ya'"? This exchange goes on for awhile until the asshole speaks up timidly & declares: " I kinda would like to be boss." All the rest of the body cracks up laughing until the asshole gets SO pissed, he locks up tight. The next couple days of this, the brain gets woozy, the legs buckle, the arms weaken, the stomach sickens & they all break down & do decide to indeed ,make the asshole boss. THE MORAL : It does'nt take brains to be boss, just an Asshole.

Dirty fork (17 November 2004)

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

Mailman (15 November 2004)

A mailman who had delievered mail to this neighborhood was finally retiring after 30 long years. So on his last day each house had little gifts for him to show him how much they cared, the first house he came to gave him a gift basket full off food, the next house gave him some baked goods and so on. Then he comes up to this one house and standing in the doorway is this gorgeous BLOND and she is wearing nothing but this little neglegie. She takes the mailman by the hand and leads him upstairs where she gives him the best and the longest sex that he has ever had. Man talk about every fantacy fullfilled. After that he takes him downstrairs and fixes him a wonderful breakfast. After he finishes he sees a dollar bill under his water glass so he asks about it. She says, well I was telling my husband that today was your last day and asked him what we should do for you and he says Screw Him, Give him a dollar.

Beach for nude (13 November 2004)

A family decided to take there vacation on a beach, but it happened to be a nude beach. Well there little boy came up to his mom and said, "mommy there are some women here who have bigger boobies than yours" the mom replied " well son the bigger they are the dumber they are", so with that he ran off to play.
A little while later he came back to his mom and said " mommy mommy there are some guys here who have bigger pee pees than daddys"
once again she said " well the bigger they are the dumber they are"
so he went off to play again.
After a while he came back up to his mom and said "mom I just saw dad talking the dumbest women I have ever seen and has he talked he just kept on getting dumber and dumber and dumber....
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