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voyeur Joke

Voyeurism can be not only kinky and risky, but even fun when it comes to sense of humor. If you think the same, check our funny stories and various jokes.

On the night of... (02 November 2010)

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked execpt for a lemon between her legs.
The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his dick.

The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband replied "If your going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator".

A couple married... (31 October 2010)

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago."

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!"

The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!"

The year is 2222... (29 October 2010)

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way
you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."

Son (S) : Why is... (27 October 2010)

Son (S) : Why is making love so enjoyable.
Father (F) : It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger !!

S : Why do women enjoy sex more than man
F : It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.

S: Why do women hate it when they get raped .
F: It is like when you are walking on the street,someone else come over and dig your nose, do you like it ??

S: Why woman cannot have sex when they are having menstruation?
F: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it ??

S: Why man do not like to wear condoms when they are making love.
F: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger.

S: Why are making love carried out in private?
F: Will you dig you nose in front of your class? Stupid!

S: What is an orgasm ?
F:The same as sneezing. but the the other way round

S: Is it true that women love big dicks ?
F: Ever tried picking your nose with your thumb ?

S: What's anal sex?
F: Picking your mouth

ARE YOU DIGGING ENOUGH ?

These three teenage... (25 October 2010)

These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"

Colin meets a girl... (23 October 2010)

Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."


These two guys meet... (21 October 2010)

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.

The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

Second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w a s a l m o s t m a r r i e d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, "Y e s I w e n t t o a d o c t o r a n d h e t o l d m e t h a t i f I
s p e a k s l o w l y I w i l l n o t s t u t t e r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.

"W e l l m y f i a n c e e a n d I w e r e s i t t i n g o n h e r p o r c h a n d t h e d o g w a s s c r a t c h i n g h i s b a c k a n d I t o l d h e r t h a t w h e n w e a r e m a r r i e d
s h e c a n d o t h a t f o r m e a n d s h e t h r e w t h e r i n g i n m y f a c e."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"W e l l, I s p e a k s o s l o w l y t h a t b y t h e t i m e s h e l o o k e d a t t h e d o g,
h e w a s l i c k i n g h i s b a l l s!"

Two guys are in... (19 October 2010)

Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.

The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"

Paul says, "All over your back!"

The elderly Italian... (17 October 2010)

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

This boy has just... (15 October 2010)

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"

A woman starts dating... (13 October 2010)

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".

A young lady in the maternity (11 October 2010)

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank fuck for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

A guy goes down (09 October 2010)

A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won Ј40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asing her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."

A bloke wins the lottery (07 October 2010)

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"

Three men go on holiday (05 October 2010)

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."

A layman and a vicar were playing golf (03 October 2010)

A layman and a vicar were playing golf one day, and the layman was not having a good game. Each time he missed an easy putt, he would say, "Oh shit, I've missed.
The vicar, after a while could no longer put up with this and was forced to show his disapproval with the layman.
"You really must not keep using such dreadful language or the Lord may strike you down," he said.
And just as the words were out of his mouth, there came a flash of lightning and in a split second the vicar was burnt to a crip!
Then, above the roaring claps of thunder a deep voice was heard saying, "Oh, shit, I've missed!"

A visitor from the countryside (01 October 2010)

A visitor from the countryside came into town one day and found himself lost in the maze of buildings and intricate road systems. He approached a town folk to ask for direction to his destination.
The town folk explained the routes to him but there was a look of consternation on the face of the stranger.
"Would that bring me to the place where I want to go?" he asked in bewilderment.
"No," answered the town folk, "that would bring you back here again so that I may give you further instructions. If I were to tell you everything at one go, you will get confused."

A medical salesman (29 September 2010)

A medical salesman introduced a new brand of condoms, Force condoms, in a small town and persuaded the owner of the drug store to allow him to do up an arrangement in the display window as an advertising gimick. The next day, a huge crowd gathered at the drug store, attracted by the items in the dispaly window.
The rival drug store on the other side of the road in a counter action came up with a sign in clear bold letters displayed at its windows:
WHY USE FORCE WHEN YOU
CAN USE VASELINE?

A man and woman and their daughter (27 September 2010)

A man and woman and their daughter were sitting in their living room one afternoon when the wife said to her husband, "Dear, I think you ought to have something done to our front yard. The grass is all dried up and is turning brown."
"I guess you are right, dear," replied her husband, "I'll have some men spread manure on it tomorrow."
Just then the man was called to the phone, and after he had left, the daughter said to her mother" "I wish that you would teach daddy to use the word "fertiliser" instead of that awful word 'manure'. After all, it is not dignified.
"Daughter, I believe in letting well alone," replied the mother. "It took me twenty-seven years to teach him to say 'manure'.

The tenant crept into the bed (25 September 2010)

The tenant crept into the bed with the landlord's wife and proceeded to seduce her. She angrily pushed him away and said, "Stop it, or I will tell my husband."
Undaunted, he continued with his antics. Eventually she relented and he succeeded in making love to her.
After a short while she got restless and began to nudge and prod at the tenant and got him to make love to her for a second time. And before he could doze off, she rolled on top of him yet again and in no uncertain terms conveyed to him what she wanted. Sleepily he said, "Stop it or I will tell your husband."

A man had a blown tyre (23 September 2010)

A man had a blown tyre next to the asylum. While changing the tyre he noticed a patient leaning over the wall looking at what he was doing with keen interest. Before he could replace the wheel, he realised that the screws had rolled down the slope, dropped into the drain and could not be retrieved. While wondering what to do, the patient sugested that he took out one screw from each of the other wheels to fix on the last wheel. In this way he would be able to drive to the nearest gas station to have his problems fixed. The man was naturally impressed and complimented the patient for his wise suggestion. The patient replied, "It is nothing, actually. You see, I may be mad but I'm not stupid."

A man was caught with a blown tyre (21 September 2010)

A man was caught with a blown tyre in a remote locality in the middle of the night but could not change the tyre because there was no jack in his car. The only alternative would be to ask for assistance from the occupants of a farm house a mile down the road.
As he walked, he contemplated answers for likely questions he was likely to encounter from the irate occupants: "What the hell do you want at this hour of night?", "Why didn't you carry a jack in your car like everybody else?", "If I lend it to you, how am I to know that I'd get it back?"
On reaching the farm house, he knocked on the door with uneasy expectations. Very slowly the door opened and he was greeted by a pleasant voice, "I see you are in trouble. How can I help you?"
"You can bloody well keep your jack!" the man answered and left the scene.

The doctor was examing (19 September 2010)

The doctor was examing the pretty and well endowed patient and thinking her to be naive proceeded to take advantage of the situation.
Putting his hands around her breasts he asked her, "What am I doing?"
"You are taking my heartbeat," she answered. The doctor smiled to himself at the girl's innocence.
He then unzipped his trousers and put his penis into her mouth at the same time asking her, "What am I dong?"
"You are taking my temperature," she said.
By now, the doctor really thought he had the most gullible patient in front of him and next thing, he was already on top of her.
"What am I doing now?" he asked the girl.
"You are getting Aids because that's what I came to see you about," she answered.

Two nuns were walking… (17 September 2010)

Two nuns were walking towards the other side of town along a deserted alley way when they were confronted by two drunken sailors and raped. After the sailors had left,they carefully arranged their attire and continued on the journey. One nun then turned to the other and said, "What bad luck to get raped twice on the same night."
"what do you mean twice?" the other nun asked.
"We are going back by the same way, aren't we?" came the reply.

A businessman was travelling (10 September 2010)

A businessman was travelling overnight on a train to Paddington for a very important meeting. He told the conductor, "I am getting off in Padding for a meeting of such importance that I would not want to miss for the world. I would therefore appreciate it if you could wake me up at my distination at whatever costs... throw me off the train if need be."
In the morning the businessman woke up starled to find that he had overslept and missed his stop. Pulling the stunned conductor by the collar, he expressed in no uncertain terms his disappointment.
"Easy, easy on me, dear Sir," pleaded the conductor, "I understand how you feel but the fellow I threw out in Paddington must have felt even worse."
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