Voyeur Joke. Page 30

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voyeur Joke

Voyeurism can be not only kinky and risky, but even fun when it comes to sense of humor. If you think the same, check our funny stories and various jokes.

Women and dog (27 March 2005)

Q. Why are women like dog shit?
A... The older they get the easier they are to pick up

Doggie style (25 March 2005)

This beautiful girl went to her doctor complaining about pain in all her joints.


The Doctor went through a whole series of tests and couldn't find anything wrong with her. After he had explained this to her he said: "There has to be something else, have you recently changed anything in your lifestyle"?


She said, "Well, the only thing I know of is that I started making love Doggie Style, could that be causing it"?


The Doctor said, "Maybe, why don't you stop it and see if you improve"?


She said, "I can't stop, that's the only way my dog knows how to fuck".

Peaches (23 March 2005)

A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand. The sign above read, "We have peaches that taste like anything and everything, guaranteed!"
The man thought about it, and decided to stop. He thought this has to be bullshit. So he approaches the old, feeble man behind the stand and says," So, you have peaches that taste like strawberries and cream?"
The old man hands him a peach and the driver takes a bite.
"Mmmmmm, tastes like strawberries," he says.
"Turn it around," the old man says.
The driver turns it around, bites into it, and the other side tastes like cream. The man thinks for a second, and says, "How 'bout steak nad baked potato?"
The old man behind the stand looks for a second, and then comes up with a new peach. He hands it to the weary traveler. He bites into it.
"Tastes like steak," he says.
"Turn it around," the old man says.
"Wow, POTATO!"
The traveler thinks really hard for about 2 minutes before he finally blurts out, "O.K. old man, I bet you don't have one that tastes like pussy!"
The old man produces another peach very quickly and hands it to the driver. He takes a big bite out of it, chews a couple of times, spits it out, and says, "Man, this tastes like SHIT!!"
The old man just grins and says,"Turn it around!"

The little kid said "Hold my Bum and Fucket while I get my cock out"

The little kid (21 March 2005)

The was once a dislexic kid that could pronounce words properly. His granma asked him to go to the shops and buy a bun, a bucket and a clock. The little kid goes to the clock shop. He says "can i have a cock."
THe guy at the desk says "i think you mean a clock son." The Boy replied "yeah i'll have one of those."
The little boy then goes into the bakers and asks for a bum. The man at the counter says "I think you mean a bun son." The Boy replied " yeah i'll have one of those."
The little boy then goes into the hardware store and asks for a fucket. The guy at the counter says "I think you mean a bucket son." The little boy replys "Yeah i'll have one of those."
On his way back to his grandma's house an old man asks him the time.

Watson (17 March 2005)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?
"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dickhead.
Some bastard has stolen our tent!!"

Pussy and bitch (15 March 2005)

Kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."

The real way true LUV works (13 March 2005)

Kissings a habit

Fucking is a game

Guys get all the pleasure

Girls get all the pain

The guy says I love you, you believe its tru

But when your tummy starts to swell

He says "To hell with you!! "

10 minutes of pleasure

9 months of pain

3 days in the hospital

1 baby without a name

Now the babys a bastard

The mothers a whore

This never would have happened if the rubber hadn't tore

Gunshot wound (11 March 2005)

A 95 yr old woman loses her husband and decides she is going to commit suicide. She thinks the best way to do this is to shoot herself in the heart. So she goes to the doctor and asks him where the best way to find her heart was. He tells her it is just beneath the left breasst. Later that day she came into the hospital with a gunshot wound to the knee.

The barrel (27 February 2005)

This guy got shipwrecked on an island, and the island only had men on it. so he goes up to the leader of the island, after 2 weeks and no sex, and says "hey, what do you do for fun around here?".

The leader of the island says "you see that barrel, stick your dick in it, and pump". so this shipwrecked guy walks up to the barrel, pulls out his meat, and starts pumping. after blowing his lot he comes back and says to the leader "when can i do that?", to which the leader replies "monday through friday, and saturday !".

The new guy says to the leader "what about sunday ?".

The leader replies "thats your day in the barrel !".

You Turn Away (25 February 2005)

Everyday a woman went to work, a man walked up to her, smelled her hair and said,"Your hair smells so nice!" This went on for about a week until she finally had enough and filed a complaint against the man for sexual harassment.

She told them about the man and how he smelled her hair every morning. They said, "How can that be sexual harassment? He is just complimenting you on the smell of your hair!" The woman replied," Well yes, but he's a midget!!!

Little Boy's Truck and Little Girl's Garag (23 February 2005)

A little boy and girl are sittin in a sandbox when they both stood up and their pants fell off and they asked each other "whats that" pointing to their private parts. so they ran home and the little boy asked his father what it was and dad answered" thats your truck, try to park it in as many garages as you can." the little girl asked her mother the same question and she said "thats your garage and don't let any boy park his truck their." So the next day the little girl comes running home yelling "mommy, mommy a boy tried to park his truck in my garage so i knocked his wheels off."

Succesful Sons (21 February 2005)

Four guys went golfing, the 1st guy goes in to register while the other three go to the green to get set up. While they're waiting they start talking about how succesful their sons' are. The 1st guy says "my son is a famous lawyer he is so succesful he gave his best friend a whole portfolio of stocks" and the other two agree thats pretty successful! Then the 2nd guy says "My son is a brain surgeon he is so successful he gave his best friend a million dollars" and once again the other two agree thats pretty successful then the third guy says "my son is a car salesman who only sells Ferrari's and is so successful he gave his best friend a new car". So they all agree they have successful sons. Then the 4th guy comes out and they ask him what his son does. The guy replies "my son is a gay stripper....I dont really know how to feel about it but I guess he's pretty good off his last 3 boyfriends gave him a portfolio of stocks, a million dollars, and a new car."

Halloween party (19 February 2005)

There was a nun standing in front of a house. A cab driver pulls up and asks "where you heading"? She said "ELM ST". He said "hop in".. so she did. They were on their way when she noticed he was staring at her in the mirror. She said "what's the matter"? He said "I've always wondered what it would be like to kiss a nun"? She said "well you have to be single and you have to be Catholic". He said "I'm single and I'm Catholic". So she said "pull off in this alley and come back here". So he did. What she said to do they started kissing for 5 minutes and then they started driving again. And then he started crying. She said "what's the matter"? He said "I lied. I'm married and I'm Jewish". She said "that's o.k my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party"!!!

Pussy juice (17 February 2005)

A young man walks into the local barber shop.
The barber tells the young man to have a seat in the barber chair.
Before the old barber could start cutting the young man's hair,he ask the barber if he knew of anything for baldness.
The old man replied "why,as a matter of fact,I do young man". The old barber looked at the young feller and smiled.
"Well hell old timer,spit it out" the man in the barber chair said.
" Young feller,you ain't gonna' believe me when I tell ye" the barber laughed. "But I'll tell you anyhow. It's pussy juice".
"Ooooh hell" cried the young man. "You old gezzer. You're balder than i am".
The old barber busted out with laughter. "Ture,true,young man. But you gotta' admit,I got one hell of a nice mustache".

Twinkie vs. Condom 2 (15 February 2005)

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before."

The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it."

"Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, I do miss him!"

Two old ladies were outside ... (13 February 2005)

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

Twinkie vs. Condom (11 February 2005)

There was this husband and wife who were celebrating their honeymoon on the 6th floor of this nice hotel room. They had this ritual that they always used their yellow lucky condom. So after they got done having wild sex, it was very hot in the room so the husband went over to the window to open it and get some fresh air in the room. As he did, his condom fell off of his dick. The wife freaked out and yelled for her husband to run downstairs and look outside on the ground for it! So he does and can't find it anywhere, soon enough he sees this little boy holding it and he runs over to him and says " Little boy, little boy I need that back from you, it is mine!" The little boy says, " I found it, what am I going to get for it?" The man says, "I'll give you a dollar!" The little boy says, "No way!!!" So the man offers the little boy 5 dollars and the little boy was VERY happy. The little boy runs all the way home and tells his mom he played THE greatest joke on this guy today. His mother asked him what he did and the little boy says " Well, I sold this guy a twinkie for $5.00!!" The mom didn't understand the trick part of it, so she asked her son what else he did. The little boy replied " Well mom, before I gave it back to him, I licked all the cream out of it first!!!"

Night before Christmas (09 February 2005)

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house;
Everyone felt shitty,
Even the mouse.

Dad drinking whiskey,
Mom smoking grass,
I had just settled down
For a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter
That I sprang from my piece
To see what was the mater!

Letter from santa (01 February 2005)

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from "The Twelve Days of Christmas", but we had a little problem up here. The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with "VD" from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my butt in bird shit. On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined Gay Liberation, and those dumbass Newfoundlanders have re-scheduled Christmas for the 5th of February.

Sincerely,
Santa

Sneeze orgasm (30 January 2005)

Ok there's this woman and this man sitting next to each other on a plane. The woman keeps sneezing and every time she sneezes she wipes her cooch. Well the man is thinking this is very weird. So finally after her doing it so many times he says to her “ok are you just playing a trick on me or what. Why the hell do you wipe after every time you sneeze.” the woman replies “ i have a rare disease that every time i sneeze i have an orgasm.” the man said “ what do you take to treat that?” the woman answers “black pepper.”

Sex change (28 January 2005)

What is it called when you get your tonsils taken out?
Tonsilectomy
What is it called when you get your appendix taken out?
Appendectomy
What is it called when a woman gets a sex change?
Addadictomy

A bald man who wanted to grow hair (26 January 2005)

There was a bald man who would do n e thing to grow hair on his head. He went around asking ppl how he can grow hair. This 1 guy tells him: "rub ur head on a women's pussy and ull grow hair." the man replies:"if that were to be true, my toungue would've been a furry rug by now

Escaped prisoner (24 January 2005)

A man escaped from prison nd is on da loose, he has bin loked up 4 30 years and has no sex.
A man and wife are undressing each other in the bedroom just be4 they are about make love the escaped prisoner runs into the house. Both naked the husband is handcuffed to a chair and the wife to the bed. The prisoner climbs on top of the women nd kisses her neck, then proceeds to go to the bathroom. Whilst the prisoner was in the bathroom the husband says to his wife " Look honey this man as bin in prison for 30 years he clearly wants sex i could tell by the way he kissed your neck. Jus give it to him. Otherwise he may harm us. Be strong honey, I love you.

The wife laughs and says " no honey you've got it wrong he didn't kissed my neck, but whispered in my ear. He told me he was gay and did i have any vaseline, i told him in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love u 2!!!"

Nazaki hi (22 January 2005)

This one guy was going on a buisness trip to japan. he wasgoing to spend a week there so he figured what the hell ill get a hooker. so he walks around and he takes her back to his hotel room. so hes sitting there giving it to her when she starts yelling nazaki hi! nazaki hi! so he figures i must be giving it to her good. so he keeps going. he got done paid her then she went off.

The next day his japanese boss called him and asked if he wanted to go golfing, he said sure. so they were golfing for awhile when his boss got a hole in one. so the worker was thinking of something to say in japanese. so he had thought of the hooker, he started yelling nazaki hi, nazaki hi. the japanese boss looks at him a says waht do you mean wrong hole?

Learning sentences (18 January 2005)

One day a teacher is teaching her class how to use words in a sentance. She chocies the word beautiful for them to use and the must say a sentance using that word twice in it. She call on little Sally and Sally says "My mother baought a beautiful dress and she look beautiful in it." "very good" the teacher says. She call on the next student "my mom saw a beautiful recipe and she made a beautiful dinner" "very good" the teacher says. She noticies that one of her not so favrotie studets, Timmy is raising his hand. She call on him and he says "My sister cam home pregnet last night and my father said 'beautiful just fucking beautiful'"
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