Voyeur Joke. Page 28

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voyeur Joke

Voyeurism can be not only kinky and risky, but even fun when it comes to sense of humor. If you think the same, check our funny stories and various jokes.

Tattoo (27 July 2005)

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigette Bardot an ignores her completely. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts. The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests she have the tattoo on her arse instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork.
"What do you think?" the wife says.
"Uh, who the fuck is Bob?" the husband replies.

Nudist One Liners (25 July 2005)

A naked man fears no pickpocket.
Bare butts are cool.
A nudist never has to hold out his hand to see if it is raining.
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
A Buddhist nudist practices yoga bare.
A harp is a nude piano.
Nudist Resort sign - Sorry, Clothed for Winter.
Always swim nude. Sharks hate to peel their food.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Never cook bacon when you're naked.
Senior Citizen Nude Beach ahead. Watch for Golden Oldies

Superman and Wonder Woman (23 July 2005)

One day Superman was flying along, feeling kind of horny. He had a busy day ahead of him, but just had to satisfy his urge. So he decided he would fly over to Wonder Woman's house to see what she was doing. As he got closer he used his x-ray vision, and to his suprise, Wonder Women was lying on her bed totally nude.
Superman thought "this is great! I'll just zip right in there, do my business, and before she knows it, I'll be gone." So, Superman blasts in, right on top of Wonder Woman, does the deed at light speed, and is gone in a flash. Wonder Woman, not quite knowing what hit her said "WHOA! What was that?" and the Invisible Man replied. "I don't know, but my arse sure is sore!"

Parents and son on a Nude Beach (21 July 2005)

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." Once again the son goes back to play. A short time later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

Stranded on a desert island (19 July 2005)

A guy is shipwrecked on a celebrity cruise and he wakes up stranded on a desert island with Nicole Kidman. Anyway, after a few weeks they are having passionate sex. This is all fine and dandy for a bit, but the guy starts getting a bit depressed. Nicole comes up to him on the beach one day and says, "What's the matter?" He says "Well, it's wonderful, I'm on a tropical island with a beautiful woman who I love, but...but... I miss my mates. I miss going down the pub with them." She says, "Well, I'm an actress. Maybe if I get dressed in some of those male clothes which were left behind in the trunks, I can pretend to be one of your friends, and you can talk to me as if you were down the pub." It sounded a bit weird but he thought he would give it a try. So she gets into the mens' clothing and they sit down next to each other, And the guy goes "Hey Joe, You'll never guess who I've been fucking."

Old Nudists (17 July 2005)

There were a couple of old gals in the local nursing home who were getting a little bored with the lack of excitement in their surroundings. They decided to liven things up and took their clothes off and walked through the local male gathering area in the buff. One of the men poked the other one and asked if he had seen what just went by. The other replied yep he had seen it and whatever it was it sure did need ironing

Stow away (15 July 2005)

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her. "Look, you've got a lot to live for." he said. "I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained, "He's taking me to America, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Dover-Calais ferry."

Exclusive Nudist Colony (13 July 2005)

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down, and happily lets him have his way with her.

Sexually frustrated (11 July 2005)

There was this lady who was sexually frustrated and had tried to get her husband sexually stimulated but nothing seemed to work. She tried sexy lingerie, toys etc etc but had no luck. So one day she asked her friend what she should do... "It's really annoying me now! He's just not up for it. He's always out down the pub with the lads. What can I do?" Her friend suggested, "Well, if he's always out with the lads why don't you give him an extra tenner so he enjoys himself even more and then he'll come home and thank you appropriately..." So the woman tried this and this is what happened on his return:
Man: Take Your clothes off!
Woman thinks: Whoa! This is working!
Man: Stand on your head!
Woman: Ooohh Kinky!!!
Man: Spread your legs apart!
Woman thinks: This has really worked, give it to me!
The man then gets a small mirror and places it inbetween her legs. Woman thinks: This is a new one!
Man says: You know... the lads were right, I would look good with a beard!

Beware of Gay Nudists (09 July 2005)

A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.
"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said the guy, "Count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.
As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, 'Beware of Gays.
A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing, 'Beware of Gays.'
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said,
'Sorry, you've had two warnings!'

Secret code (07 July 2005)

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times!"

Nude Sunbathing (05 July 2005)

Down in Florida, there's a little hotel, four floors high. A girl used to take a sunbathe there every day. Since there were no higher hotels near it, she would take off her bathing suit and be in the nude. So she was in the nude and she was lying on her stomach, and she heard someone coming up the steps. She quickly grabbed the towel and put it around her. The man said, "I wish you wouldn't sunbathe in the nude up here." She said, "You never protested before." He said, "No, but I wish you would do it like you did before, in your bathing suit." She said, "Why do you care? No one can see." He said, "Madam, you happen to be lying on the skylight of a dining room."

Towel waving (03 July 2005)

A middle-aged man marries a younger woman but discovers that no matter what he does in bed, she won't orgasm. so he takes the problem to his doctor who explains that maybe fantasy is the answer.
So the man hires a young, charming male escort and has him stand naked and waving a towel over the couple whilst they are having sex, to still no avail.
The man goes back to his doctor who suggests trying the scene oppositely, with the escort having sex with the woman whilst the man waves the towel.
Now becoming desperate, the man gets the same escort and tries the doctor's method. Soon the woman bursts into a great orgasm and the man throws down the towel, taps the escort on the shoulder and shouts triumphantly, "See, thats how you wave a bloody towel!"

Retirement home (30 June 2005)

A son takes his father to the retirement home. Grandpa doesn't want to go, but the family insists. On the first night, Grandpa is settling in when a gorgeous nurse enters and tucks him in. Grandpa gets a hard-on, she sees it, and she climbs aboard. The next morning Grandpa calls his son and tells him he's changed his mind. Now he likes the retirement home. The next night Grandpa is heading for bed when he trips and falls face first on the floor. A big male orderly sees him, drops his trousers, and sodomises the old man. The next morning, Grandpa calls his son again and tells him he no longer likes the retirement home.
"But yesterday you told me you loved it there..." says the son.
"Yeah, but you don't understand. I only get an erection once a month, but I fall down nearly every day."

Parachute jump (28 June 2005)

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an aeroplane. The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the 'plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the 'plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the 'plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the 'plane or he'd kick my arse."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the 'plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 17 stone. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zip and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out of that door, or I'm sticking this up your arse.' "
"So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, a little, at first."

New negligee (26 June 2005)

A guy decides to buy a sheer negligee for his honey, like maybe it's Valentine's Day or something, so he goes to Victoria's Secret, tells the clerk what he wants and the size. She returns with a lovely item, very sheer, that he likes a lot. She says it costs $200. He says, "OK, but do you have anything in that size that's even more sheer?" The saleslady disappears for a few minutes then returns with a very wispy number. She says it costs $300. He says, "OK, but is the most sheer negligee you have in her size?" The saleslady disappears once more, returns with a truly diaphanous item which she says costs $500. He says, "OK, and this is the very most sheer one you have?" She assures him it is, so he buys it, has it gift wrapped, and takes it home.
There he lowers the lights a little, puts on some music, opens a bottle of champagne, and he and his lady have a few lovely, private moments. After a little while he gives her the gift, then suggests that she go upstairs and try it on. She agrees and takes it upstairs, but in looking the lovely thing over she thinks, "Maybe I'll tease him a little... it's so sheer he wouldn't know if I had it on or not." So she moves, completely naked, to the stairs, slinks down them, gets to the bottom and does a little pirouette, strikes a pose and says, "Well, what do you think?"
"GREAT!" he says with a big smile. But to himself he thinks, "Damn! For five hundred bucks you'd think they'd have ironed the thing!"

Naughty photo (24 June 2005)

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love.
Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

Going to Las Vegas (22 June 2005)

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going, and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas." He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free." He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife. She said, "And just where do you think you are going?" He replied, "I'm going, too."
"Why?" she asked. He said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year."

Condom buyers (20 June 2005)

A guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 minutes in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms. Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl "Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot"
"Do you know what size you are?" she asked. "No," he replied.
"OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are".
The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone "1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 please", he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way. Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl fondling his prick and so says the same thing to the girl. A similar course of events takes place, only this time after having a feel she says "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please", the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way. Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. "I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot" he says. "Do you know what size you are?" she asked. "No," he replied. "OK, I'll check. Whoops, mop and bucket to aisle 3 please!"

Appointment the next day (18 June 2005)

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Alternative treatment (16 June 2005)

There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened. "I'm not sure, but I think she choked

D you know what 6.9 is? (12 June 2005)

A good thing fucked up by a period.
One day a little boy goes to his Mother and asks her, "Mom, do honies have legs?"
The Mother replies, "Why are you asking me this?" to which the little boy answers, "Because every night when I go to bed, I hear Dad say 'Honey, open your legs' "

Radio boobs (10 June 2005)

Girl: My boobs are like radio players. If you'd give my left boob a twist, that's for the tuner, and my right boob would be the volume. If you don't believe me, try them!

Guy: (He tried) How come there's no sound?

Girl: Damn you man, that's because you aren't yet plugged in me!!!

The boy who questions his sexuality (08 June 2005)

Little boy went to the doctor one day and told him he was questioning his
sexuality. The doctor ask what do you mean. He said when he goes into
the locker Room after a football game he finds him self looking at other
guys and wonders if that is normal. The doctor says hell no and tells him to give him some history of his familey. The little boy says after his dad and mom got a divorce his dad turned gay and both of his uncles are gay to and also his grand father. The doctor says is there anyone in your familey that likes Pussy? The boy looks at him and says my sister does.

Rub it (04 June 2005)

A teacher whent into her room one moring and she noticed that penis was written on her board in small letters. She erased it and went on with class, later that day it was written again in bigger letters she erased it, before the end of the day she saw it again in real big letter, underneath it said the more you rub it the bigger it gets!!
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