Voyeur Joke. Page 27

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voyeur Joke

Voyeurism can be not only kinky and risky, but even fun when it comes to sense of humor. If you think the same, check our funny stories and various jokes.

Bizarre Interview (07 October 2005)

A man walks into a building for an interview and tells the manager that he wants to join their organization.

The manager says, "Okay, but there is one rule you have to follow. You cannot get an erection while you are trying to join this group."

The man says O.K. He is stripped of his clothing. A bell is tied around his penis and he is put into a room with nine other men who are also trying to join. Then a naked woman is sent walking across the room and nine bells are quiet, and his is ringing away.

The man begs for another chance and is given this chance. The woman walks by again and again the man's bell rings again. The manager says to the man, "Pick up your stuff and go. You are unfit for this organization."

As the man bends down to pick up his stuff, the other nine bells start ringing.

Who am I (05 October 2005)

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The Mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning." We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Holiday cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."

The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Bob continues between hung over gasps, "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The Mailman laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds," your name was guessed at least four or five times."

You prick! (03 October 2005)

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a sexy body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform. Limp as a dish rag!

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at his penis, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!

Clearly Defined Words (30 September 2005)

A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise.

MASTURBATION - A solo played on a private organ.

METALLURGIST - A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore.

MINUTE MAN - One who double parks while he visits a sporting house.

MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.

MOTHER'S DAY - Nine months after fathers day.

NUN - A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and ain't going to get none.

Poems in Bed (28 September 2005)

A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, "I'm really hungry and thirsty too." It was freakin' freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.

After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.

They both think for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine".

So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."

Big Game Hunter (26 September 2005)

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

Wacked-Out Restaurant (24 September 2005)

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry." The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies:

The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!

Trial of the Nuns (22 September 2005)

When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."

Penis Problem (20 September 2005)

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.

Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.

The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks, let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"

The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Zappo! The guy's down to 15 inches.

Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"

Little Old Lady (18 September 2005)

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't." "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. "I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Call In Sick (16 September 2005)

Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Tarzan And Jane (14 September 2005)

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was immediately attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh... Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. Here" she said, "you must put it in here!"

Tarzan removed his loincloth...stepped closer with his huge manhood and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What in the Hell did you do that for?!"

"Tarzan check for bees."

What's Your Punishment? (12 September 2005)

Bob dies and goes to hell.

The devil calles him for a visit, in which he explains how things work: there is a selection of three punishments from which you have to choose one. The punishment change every thousand years.

In the first punishment room there is a young guy on the wall being whipped. Bob, who is not keen to spend a thousnad year like this, asks to see the next room. There he see a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.

Bob immediately asks to see the third room. It has a really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde.

Bob jumps at the chance and takes the room.

The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "Okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".

Nudist Vacation (10 September 2005)

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

Size Matters (08 September 2005)

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships. "Isnt there some way to judge the size of a mans equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly. "The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counselled the therapist. So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon. When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

Fishing Is Better (06 September 2005)

When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.

You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

You can catch a fish on a 20 cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

Dirty Dreaming (30 August 2005)

Three men are on long walk, and the weather gets bad so they decide to stop in a motel for the night. They asked the lady behind the desk for three single rooms. The lady said they only had one room with a double bed. So the men decide theyll just share that bed for the night.

The next morning, the man sleeping on the right side of the bed said, I had this dream someone was giving me a handjob. The man who slept on the left side said hed had the same dream. The man who slept in the middle said, I had a dream I was skiing...

That Must Be Painful (28 August 2005)

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

"What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

Two Old Men (26 August 2005)

Two old men go to an escort service house. The madam asks them what they want. They say women. She asks, "How old are you?" They say 90.

So she tells one of the girls to take them upstairs and put each of them in a room with a blow up doll. So they go upstairs and do their thing.

When they come back downstairs the first old man asks the other "How was it?" The other one says "I think she was dead, she just layed there, how was yours?"

"I think mine was a witch."

"A witch?"

"Yeah, I bit her on the tit, she farted and flew out the window."

Good Dentist (24 August 2005)

A guy and a gal meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"I didn't feel a thing!"

You Need To Have A Bad Day To Get Into Heaven (16 August 2005)

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

Wearing the pants (08 August 2005)

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that, I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies, "I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

Tricky question (04 August 2005)

A young boy of 5 was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He had been playing outside her house for a while when he came into the house. "Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other? She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It is called sexual intercourse darling." The little guy just said "Ok" and went out to play again. In a few minutes he came back inside again and said angrily to his grandmother: "Grandma, it's not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunks"

Three daughters (31 July 2005)

There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right. One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter's room. He stood there for a while and thought about this, but reached the conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of bothering her at this time of the night. When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying. He thought about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow and continued. There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter's room, and he then went to bed, satisfied. The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, he said to his youngest daughter "I heard you laughing last night, as I walked past your window. Why was that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to laugh when someone was making me happy..."
He then asked his second daughter "I heard you crying last night, why was that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to cry when someone was making me hurt..."
He then told his oldest daughter "I didn't hear anything from you..."
She said "That's because you taught me not to talk with my mouth full..."

Headline: Sunny Dale Nudist Resort (29 July 2005)

A hole has been found in the fence at the Sunny Dale Nudist Resort, police are looking into it
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