Voyeur Joke. Page 23

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voyeur Joke

Voyeurism can be not only kinky and risky, but even fun when it comes to sense of humor. If you think the same, check our funny stories and various jokes.

Ooops! (18 September 2006)

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any chance of contact, which could happen pretty easily, since he had been desperate for quite a while.

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him & sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire. Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of her night table, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him

"Awww, honey, you're so depressed. Here, take this & go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight. Remember now, this happens only this once. OK?"

The husband can't believe his ears, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife & says dejectedly, "Crystal says this is not enough, she wants eighty."

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger, "Why that damn bitch. When she was pregnant & her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty.

World's Toughest Cowboy (14 September 2006)

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales commences.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

Penis Raise (12 September 2006)

The penis requested a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I am always using my head first
* I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Response from Human Resources

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed your work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!

Turning Eighty (08 September 2006)

An old man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm turning eighty tomorrow. I've hired a hooker for the night, and I'd love to do it just one more time before I die. Can you give me something that'll get me up?"

The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night."

Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How's it going?" "Fabulous," the old man said. "I've cum three times already."

"That's great," the doctor said. "the hooker must be astounded."

"Not exactly," the old man said. "She's not here yet."

A Busy Man (06 September 2006)

A man goes to the doctors and says "Doc, you gotta help me!"

The doctor says "What's your problem?"

The guy says "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'.. I give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work.. Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time I go into the photocopy room and have it off with the one of the young office girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good bonking.. For afternoon tea I give the boss's wife a good servicing.. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches.. Then at night I give the missus another screw......"

"Well" said the doctor. "What's your problem?"

The guy says "Well, it hurts when I masturbate."

Explaining Sex (04 September 2006)

This little boy woke up three nights in a row because he kept hearing thumping noises coming from his parent's room. He finally approached his mom and said, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in, you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom asks, "Why?"

The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

The Marathon Man (02 September 2006)

A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all.
Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock . The guy drops his pants and starts.
True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99.............
...and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.
The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, "I don't understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!"

Pick Up (31 August 2006)

A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed. "Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing. "Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile. "Thirteen ??? My God, girl !!! You get those clothes back on at once and get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?" he thundered. Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?"

Oops (29 August 2006)

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty bucks," she says.

He'd never been with a woman like this before, but he decides what the heck it's only twenty bucks.

They're getting friendly for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

Wishful Rubbing (18 August 2006)

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning:
"Ohh, I need a bike! Ahh, I need a bike!"

Three Knots (16 August 2006)

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed.

He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doin'?"

The whore says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

What's that?" he asks.

She says, "You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in, and you're 'knot' getting your money back!"

Top 10 You Are Married To A Cop (14 August 2006)

10. When an argument starts ... he calls for backup.

9. Refers to the bedroom as "The Pokey."

8. Calls passing gas the "silent alarm."

7. Has a secret desire to see you in a Kevlar nightie.

6. Lots of references to the "old night stick."

5. Never hear him say "Oh man ... not donuts again!"

4. Refers to his winkie as the "Breathalyzer"

3. Stops you during lovemaking to ask if you know how fast you were going.

2. Handcuffs don't turn him on anymore.

And the number one sign you are married to a cop...

1. Yes, that *is* a gun in his pocket!

Doing The Laundry (12 August 2006)

A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."
This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.
She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"
He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."

Ask Another Doctor (10 August 2006)

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion"

Tough Life (30 July 2006)

A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar." So the cucumber says, "yeah, you think that is bad, whenever I get big, fat and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad." So the penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says, "You think that your life is tough?! Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, smelly room, and make me do push ups until I throw up!"

Koala Bear And A Hooker (28 July 2006)

A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms!!! After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion.

"Oh God,that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs.

Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living."

The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads:

"HOOKER: person who has sex for money."

Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door. The hooker reads:

"KOALA BEAR: Eats Bushes and Leaves."

Eternal Judgment (26 July 2006)

Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck by lightning on the same day. All three findthemselves in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. They start begging him to give them another chance at life. St. Peter agrees but on one condition: they each have to give up something they truly enjoy.Ru Paul says, "I really love men, but I will give up screwing around with them."Bill Gates says, "I really love money, but I will give up all the money I have."Ebert says." I really love food, but I'll give up pizza."Soon, all three find themselves back on Earth. They start walking down street feeling very grateful. Suddenly, Ebert spots a pizzeria. He smells the aroma and can't help himself — he runs in there and eats a slice of pizza. POOF! He disappears.Ru Paul and Bill Gates are astonished and agree that that won't happen to them. So they resume walking down the street when Bill Gates spots a shiny, new quarter. He thinks that if he picks it up, he can found a new company and become fabulously wealthy again. He bends down to pick up the quarter and POOF! Ru Paul disappears.

Salutary Decision (24 July 2006)

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

Happy Couple (22 July 2006)

On his wedding day, the groom walked down the aisle with a big grin on his face. His best man said, "I know this is your wedding day but I've never seen you with such a big smile." The groom whispered, "I just got the best blow job I've ever had."

As the bride walked down the isle she also grinned from ear to ear. Her bridesmaid said to her, "I know this is the happiest day in your life but I have never seen you with a bigger smile." To which the bride replied, "I've just given my last blow job."

Making cakes (20 July 2006)

A little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy what are they doing?"

The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy,you and daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night."

The mother says, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

Talking Parrot (18 July 2006)

A guy decides he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot answers the guy's question, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Oh, yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang on to your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?" "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion." The guy looks at the price tag: $200. He says. "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer." The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..." "What?" says the guy. "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot. "My God!!" the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down..." The parrot (pauses for a long time...) "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. "I don't know," says the parrot, "my dick got hard and I fell off my perch....."

On A Trip To The Zoo (12 July 2006)

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster looks over at the elephant.
After a few seconds he turns to his Dad and asks "Dad, what's that hanging down from the elephant?"
His father replies "That's his trunk son."
"No, no, Dad," says the boy, "at the back."
"Oh, that's his tail" replies his father.
"No, Dad," the boy says, "Between his legs."
The father looks over and replies "That's his penis, son."
The young lad thinks about the answer for a minute, and then says to his father "Last week Mommy told me that was nothing."
"Well son," replies his father, "You have to remember that your mother is a very spoiled woman."

Elderly Sex (10 July 2006)

An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.

After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her cloths. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."

Oni Oni (06 July 2006)

One day a man decided he wanted to be succesful and that he would be most succesful in Japan, so after college he moved to Japan looking for an architect job because he was an architect.

Well he looks around for people looking for architects and he finds this guy that is really rich and lives in a huge mansion, so he sets up a conference with this guy that the Japanese call the Siar.

Well the man goes to the Siars house and had his interview and the Siar thought he did remarkable work and told him he was so impressed not only did he have the job but he could choose any of his ladies and go to any room in the mansion with her.

So the man was all excited and he chooses his girl and goes to the room. While the man and the girl he chose are doing their thing the chick keeps yelling "ONI ONI ONI!!" The man thought this meant something good or pleasure, so he continued on.

The next day the Siar invited the man to go play golf. On the first hole the Siar got a hole in one. The man thought to himself "well this is something good and I know that word ONI maybe I can impress him even more by saying it." So he says to the Siar "ONI ONI ONI ONI!!"

The Siar turns and asks "what do you mean wrong hole?"

Monday Sickness (27 June 2006)

A guy works at a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her."

The boss says, "You screw your sister?"

The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
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