Voyeur Joke. Page 22

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voyeur Joke

Voyeurism can be not only kinky and risky, but even fun when it comes to sense of humor. If you think the same, check our funny stories and various jokes.

Wish Fulfillment (18 November 2006)

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

Best Time To Process Your Payment (16 November 2006)

Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, So she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch."
When the first man comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?"
"$75 dollars," said the first.
The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of $85. The first two were proud of their prowess.
The third man goes in and returns, "How much did she charge you?" ask the first two.
"$20 dollars" replies the third.
The first two start laughing hysterically.
"Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!"

Sexual Football Quotes (14 November 2006)

The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
It's a game of inches.
That hole was so big; you could drive a truck through it.
When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
He found his tight end.
End around.
He had to stretch to get it in.
He gets penetration in the backfield.
He blows them off (at the line).
He bangs it in.
He could go all the way.
He gets it off just in time.
He goes deep.
He found a hole and slid through it.
He pounds it in.
He beats them off (the line).
He's got great hands.

Donald And Minnie (12 November 2006)

Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minnie asks is, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald says "No."

Minnie tells Donald that if he doesn't get a condom that they can't have sex and suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk.

Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk says "yes we do" and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald.

The clerk asks "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"

Donald says "NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?

Intercom System (10 November 2006)

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?

Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

A Town Without Women (08 November 2006)

In a Poor town in the middle of nowhere and no women, A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?".

The bartender replies, "It's not that bad, sir, when we get lonely we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it. It never sounds appeasing at first, but after one try you're hooked."
So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel.

At that, he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole. After about 5 minutes he ventures back to the bar and tells the bartender, "Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I owe ya?".

To which the bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel".

Penis 4 a Day (06 November 2006)

What women would do if they had a penis for a day

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9...

Perfect Cakes (02 November 2006)

A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for Sunday dinner. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Mikey, helping them bake some cupcakes.

After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Mikey to put the icing on. When the boy had finished, he brought them to the table.

"The cupcakes look delicious, Mike." his uncle said. He took a bite and said, "Mikey these are so good."

As he finished cupcake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Mikey," his uncle said. "How did you get the icing so neat?"

His nephew replied, "It was easy. I just licked them."

The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. "You licked all of these?"

Mikey replied, "Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, and I got the dog to help."

Fishing (30 October 2006)

While out fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted: "Are there any gators around here!?"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "They ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber replied.

"Wow," said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, "The Sharks got 'em."

Ballerina (28 October 2006)

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?'"

As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

The Chili At A Diner (26 October 2006)

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili
remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbor. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

Ride In Train (24 October 2006)

A man was traveling in a train for the first time in his life. He was with a friend, who was eating chocolates. The man asked the friend to give him some. The frined gave the whole box and went to sleep, as it was a long journey. The man was excited about his first ride that he ate the whole box of chocolates. After a short while, he felt he should go to the toilet. He went there, only to find a long queue in front of it. He was about to do it in his pants, but there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. He woke his frined and asked for his help. The frined said, "Stick your ass out of the window and let the shit go. Let me sleep". The man opened the window, placed his ass out and did it. The shit went all over, including some people who were doing some "Transporting". They got really angry at this and went to the Train's Travel Department to register their complaint. They thought someone vomited on them. The officer looked at them and the slime on them. "Did you see the face of the person who did this? I mean the eyes, lips, anything?", Officer asked. "I don't remember the lips, neither the eyes..." one of the trainspotters said, "...but he had really big cheeks".

A Guy Dies And Goes To Hell (22 October 2006)

This guy dies and goes to Hell. When he arrives he's greeted by the Official Hell Tour Guide who proceeds to show him around.

Upon finishing the tour the guide asks, "say, do you smoke?"

The newly dead responds "Oh YEAH, I smoked for most of my life, I'm a real connoisseur of tobacco."

The guide responds with, "Well you're gonna LOVE Sundays! We'll have fine cigarettes from all over the world, the best Cuban cigars, quality pipe tobacco..."

Hell's latest addition is starting to think hey this won't be so bad after all when the guide says "so do you drink?"

"I love drinking", he responds, "my favorite pastime!"

"Well you're gonna LOVE Mondays when we drag out our best bourbons, Caribbean rums, our 25 single malt scotches, fresh Guinness from the brewery..." Our man is really excited now.

"Oh by the way", says the guide, interrupting blissful thoughts of an alcoholic stupor, "Are you gay?"

"What! How dare you! Of course not!", he replies visibly shaken.

"Well you're gonna HATE Tuesdays...

Bad Day... (20 October 2006)

A guy was listening to his kid say his nightly prayers. The kid says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma." The next day the grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird. That night, the kid says "Good- night mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa" The next day the grandpa dies. The father thinks this is really weird. That night the kid says, "Goodnight mommy, and goodbye daddy." The father freaks. He's thinking I'm gonna die. So the next day he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work. At the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair. He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad day." She says "YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the mailman dead on the doorstep!"

Two Statues (18 October 2006)

For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want to." And with a clap of his hand, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down, and I'll shit on it's head.

Sexual Rhyming Terms (12 October 2006)

WANKY PANKY
- fooling around, naughtier than hanky panky

THRUSTER BUSTER
- a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex, especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouse's car in the driveway or the shrill voice of an unexpected parent

RUBBER FLUBBER
- sudden realization that the condom has broken

BOOBIE LUBEY
- stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual interest

DICKIE LICKIE
- oral stimulation of the male's private parts

TUSHIE PUSHIE
- doggie-style sexual intercourse

PECKER WRECKER
- oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on her teeth

FUCKIE SUCKIE
- oral sex and sexual intercourse both

STINKIE PINKIE
- the result of sexual stimulation of the female's private parts by the male's hands

HUMMER CUMMER
- I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!

A Big Surprise (10 October 2006)

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn`t bring himself to tell his fiancee` about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I`ve got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don`t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife`s hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I`ll see what I can do!"

Register 5 (08 October 2006)

A man was in a long line at the grocery store.

As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, "What size condoms?"

The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants.

He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants.

He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy.

He thought what he had seen was way too cool.

He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

"Cleanup, register 5!"

Arrested Student (06 October 2006)

Lots of things go on during "Spring Break" as the college students let off a little steam. This one student was arrested for indecent exposure in a field near the beach, and was appearing before a Judge.

"I plead not guilty your honor, I only went there to get relieved." he testified.

"Well, I'm inclined to accept your explanation." said the Judge. "I guess some allowances must be made for 'emergencies'."

"That's true to a point, your Honor." said the arresting officer. "But what about this young lady here who relieved him?"

A Court Case (04 October 2006)

A beautiful young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the witness stand.

The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. "Not guilty," the woman answered emphatically.

The crown council then approached the woman and said: "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed acts of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a flag - on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100Km through the centre of Winnipeg, in a blizzard ... and you were totally nude?"

The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said ... "What was the date again?"

Busy Bulls (02 October 2006)

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."

There's None So Blind (28 September 2006)

A young lady had just emerged from a hot bath when the door bell rang. Dripping wet, she ran to the door and called out "I can't let you in - I've just got out of the bath".

"That's all right lady," said the voice from the other side of the door. "I'm a blind salesman".

"All right, then," said the young lady and opened the door.

"Thanks," said the man. "Where shall I put the blinds?"

Sleeping Beauty (24 September 2006)

George came home one day, very excited.

"Do you know what they are saying?" he asked his wife Jean, "they say our janitor has slept with every woman in this building except for one!"

Jean responded "That must be that girl from number 32; no one likes her!"

Secretary Machine (22 September 2006)

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.

The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."



Joke: Construction Site Sign Language

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

Never Lie To Girls (20 September 2006)

There was a man resting and enjoying the view on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"
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