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voyeur Joke

Voyeurism can be not only kinky and risky, but even fun when it comes to sense of humor. If you think the same, check our funny stories and various jokes.

The Priest And The Rabbi (29 January 2007)

Father O'leary and Rabbi Goldberg played chess each Wednesday in the park. The chess game usually included religious discussion and debate. This week the discussion turned to religious sins.

Rabbi Goldberg said, "In my religion it is forbidden to eat ham but I tried it once, just once, before I became a Rabbi."

Not to be outdone, Father O'leary admitted, "During seminary this beautiful young girl tempted me and I yielded to the lust of the flesh and had sex."

Across the chess board, the old Rabbi grinned, and with a chuckle said, "Better than ham, ain't it?"

Young Female Bakery Clerk (27 January 2007)

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."

She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet.

Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'..."

Coffee Break (25 January 2007)

It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!"

"So would I," quipped the girl, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break."

Ever The Opportunist (23 January 2007)

One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

New Viagra Variations For Specific (21 January 2007)


With the immense popularity of Viagra it's not surprising that the company has now started to produce versions of the drug for specific groups of customers:

Viagra Lite
For people who only want to masturbate

Viagrallium
A mix of Viagra and Vallium: if you don't get to fuck, then you don't give a fuck.

Pickled Penis (19 January 2007)

There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was too scared to ask her husband so she went to a gypsy and told her her problem.

The gypsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vagina' and it will start having sex with you".

So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"

Pass The Lettuce And Tomatoes (17 January 2007)

There are two brothers an older brother and a younger brother and they sleep on bunkbeds. So one night the older brother wants to have sex with his girlfriend and his little brother is sleeping on the bottom bunk so they have to do it on the top bunk.The older brother tells his girlfriend whenever she wants it harder to say pass the lettuce and tomatoes so they start having sex and then the little brother wakes up and he says "stop making sandwiches up there your getting the mayonaise all over me"

Olympic Condoms (13 January 2007)

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There is three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

3 Eggs And A Little Cash! (10 January 2007)

A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for.
"Oh those", she replied, "every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box".
Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, "But what about the $7,000?"
"Oh that", she replied, "every time I got a dozen I sold them."

Magic Sandals (08 January 2007)

This married couple were on holiday in India. They were touring around a busy Bombay marketplace looking at the goods when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

The married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild and crazy at the sex, just like great desert camel."

Well, the wife's eyes lit up as her husband wasn't exactly the sex god he thought...far from it in fact. The husband felt he really didn't need them though, "How on earth can a pair of sandals turn somebody into a sex freak???"

The Indian man replied, "Please kind sir, just try dem on...."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many a year!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs. The Indian then began screaming,

"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"

Freezing To Death (06 January 2007)

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Trouble With Bull (04 January 2007)


An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beerhall.

One of them says, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."

"How did you get it fixed?"

"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."

Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.

That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, "Honey, look!"

She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"

A Day At The Vet's (31 December 2006)

One day a man took his poodle to the veterinarian. As he walked into the waiting room, he noticed a very attractive young woman with her Great Dane.

He sits next to her, trying desperately to think of *something* to say to this woman. The best he can come up with is, "That's a big dog."

She smiles, and leans over to pat his dog on the head. She turns and says, "Yes, he is. Now, what's wrong with your little dog?"

He replies, "Well, he's a male dog, you see. And whenever we have company over, he trys to introduce various bits of himself to their shins. It's become a problem, so I'm here to take care of it."

"So, why are you and your really big dog here?" He's really hitting it off with her!

"Well, my dog is male too. I have the same problem with him: when I bend over in the kitchen, he jumps up behind me, puts his paws on my shoulders and, well,..."

"Oh, yes, I see," the man interrupts. "So you're hear to get him fixed too?"

"Oh no,... to get his nails clipped."

Blind Man In A Restaurant (29 December 2006)

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks toward the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in, he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Sue, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Sue complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Sue worked here..."

One Helluva Nightmare (27 December 2006)


This guy was talking to a friend of his, and his friend said he had a miserable nightmare last night.

The guy says well tell me what it was about.

Friend: I dreamt I went to bed with 3 women last night.

The guy: *surpised* Says that don't sound too bad.

Friend: Well the 3 women were Tonya Harding, Lorena Bobbit and Hillary Clinton.

The guy: Well still that can't be all that bad.

Friend: Well when I woke up, I found my self in the hospital with a busted kneecap, a smaller dick and then I found out I had no health coverage.

Ungrateful Wife (25 December 2006)

A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. While I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and bedraggled,

So I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She had only some worn-out sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.

Then, as the young girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

Communication Breakdown (23 December 2006)


Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"

Pickle Job (21 December 2006)

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashamed. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh... she got fired too."

Trust? (19 December 2006)

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to
his house for an early afternoon "quickie."

"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business
trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse
and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth
control!"

"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in
a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I
always knew she didn't trust me!"

Trained Frogs (17 December 2006)


Cindy, a beautiful, well-endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet... As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says:
Snatch Eating Frogs
Only $20 each!
Money-Back Guarantee!
(Comes with complete instructions).

Cindy excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to Ralph, the man behind the counter: "I'll take one."

Ralph, packaging up the frog, says, "Just follow the instructions carefully." Cindy nods, "Okay," grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Cindy takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do...
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into on a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there."

The Exterminator (30 November 2006)

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tune. The woman cocked her ear: "Quick, it's my husband coming through the front door. Hide in the bathroom" she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.

"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.

"Great" he said "I'll just nip into the bathroom and will be with you in two shakes."

Before she could stop him he was into the bathroom where he found the lover clapping his hands in mid-air.

"Who the devil are you?" the husband demanded.

"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths." the lover replied.

"But ... but you've got no clothes on!" stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!"

Watch Out, Here Comes Daddy (28 November 2006)

One day a woman went to the doctors. She told her doctor that her and her husband wasn't having a good relationship in bed. So the doctor gave her some viagra pills. The doctor said to give two pills to her husband when they wanted to have sex. And told her to come back the next day.

So the next day she came back saying "Wow, that was great. What if i gave him 5 pills?"

The doctor replied, "Well I wouldn't do it but I guess you can but be sure you come back the next day."

So she gave him 5 pills. She came back the next day with crouches saying, "Damn! That was the best sex I ever had. What if I gave him the hole bottle?"

The doctor said, "I highly not recommed that but, you can give it a try but be back tomorrow!"

So the next day a little boy came in. He asked, "Are you the lady that told my mom to give daddy those pills?"

She replied, "Yes"

The little boy went on her counter and slapped her across the face saying, "You bitch!!! Because of you my mom is dead, my sister is pregant. My ass hurts, and my daddy is going around the house saying, "Here kitty, kitty, kitty!"

Cowboys, Lawyers, Farmers (26 November 2006)

Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers
from the night before.

"I entertained a cowboy last night", says the first.

"How did you know he was a cowboy?", asks the second.

"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both
the hat and the boots on all the time we were together."

"Sounds like a cowboy, all right." the others say.

"I entertained a lawyer," announces the second. "I could
tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a
briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to
the briefcase all the time."

They agree he sounded like a lawyer.

"I had a dirt farmer for a client," comments the third.

"How could you possibly know he was a dirt farmer?" she
is asked.

"First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it
was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."

Butcher's Pussy (24 November 2006)

One day, a man comes home from work and greets his wife. Upon seeing him, she asks for $20 to buy meat for dinner.

He leads her to a mirror, holds up the $20 bill and says to her, "Honey, the $20 in the mirror is yours. The other belongs to me."

Satisfied with his "ingenious" remark, he sits back and the incident is forgotten.

The next day, he comes home and greets his wife.

When he goes in the dining room, the table is laden with meats and delicious foods.

Shaken, he asks his wife where she got the money.

She leads him to the same mirror and lifts up her skirt. "See that pussy in the mirror? That one belongs to you. The other belongs to the butcher."

True Story (22 November 2006)

I was happy.
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family".

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
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