Voyeur Joke. Page 18

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voyeur Joke

Voyeurism can be not only kinky and risky, but even fun when it comes to sense of humor. If you think the same, check our funny stories and various jokes.

King Artur & Merlins Chastity Belt (04 November 2007)

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely Knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice.

After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahadhis.

"Sir Galahadhis," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But Sir Galahadhis was speechless.

Paralyzed Friend (02 November 2007)

A fellow stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my shoes please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me up here to make love to you!"

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

He replies, "OK, let's check!"

He shouts down the stairs to his friend, "Both of them?"

The reply comes back, "Yes, both of them!"

Sex Life Of An Electron (31 October 2007)

One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to try to get a cute coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across Wheastone bridge, around the sine wave and stopped in a magnetic field by a flowing current.

Micro Farad, attracted by Millie's characteristic curves, decided to engage in a little mutual inductance, and soon had her resistance at a minimum and his field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered his capacitance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it into her tank circuit, connecting them in parallel and began to short circuit her shunt.

Fully excited, Milli Amp cried, "MHO", MHO, it Hertz, but give me MHO".

With his tune operating at maximum amplitude, her coil vibrating from the current flow, they soon reached plate saturation and found their cutoff point. The heavy current flow made her tubes of anode very hot and Micro Farad was rapidity discharged and drained of every electron.

They fluxed all night, trying various connections until his bar magnet had lost all of its field strength and her grid was leaking.

Later, Milli Amp tried self induction and damaged her solenoids. With his battery fully discharged and his contacts corroded, Micro Farad was unable to excite his generator, so they ended by reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses.

Losing Weight (29 October 2007)

Once there was this man who was extremely over-weight. So he went to an exercise center. When he walked in he headed straight for a desk near the far right corner of the room. Next to the desk was a door. On the door was a sign that said "LEVEL 5 ONLY". So at the desk was a woman who was broomstick-thin. He told her he wanted to start losing weight right away. She told him to come to the center at 8:30 the next morning. If after the first time you don't like it you can quit the program any time and get half your money back.

So when he came to the center he saw a blond woman standing in the door-way. "If you can catch me you can have me", she said. And with that she took off running. The over-weight man ran after her. He ran for 45 minutes. Then he fell over in exhaustion. He lost 10lbs that day. He decided he was ready for the next level.

So again the next day he came at 8:30. There was a red-haired woman standing in the door-way. "If you can catch me you can have me", and with that she took off running. He chased her for a full hour. Then he fell over in exhaustion. He had lost 15lbs. He decided to come back the next morning.

The next morning he showed up at 8:30 like the past 2 days. There in the door-way was a tall brunette. They went through the same process that the man had the past 2 days. The only change was that the man chased her 1 hour and 30 minutes, and he lost 25lbs. He decided that he sshould skip the 4th level and move right onto the 5th. so when he told the woman at the desk he wanted to skip level 4 and move on to level 5 she said in a high nasial voice "okay tomorrow please show up at 7:30 and be ready to lose alot of weight. oh and yes please go into that door (pionting to the door next to her) and wait for your instructor.

The next morning he showed up at 7:30 and walked right through the door. He sat down on a box and waited 5 or 10 minutes for the instructor to come. In about 10 minutes the instructor stepped into the room. The instructors name was Mr. Gallant. He was an obviously gay man the now only slightly over-weight man could tell by the way Mr. Gallant was checking him out.
Mr. Gallant then said "this is the final stage of the program." Then he said in a low slightly strange vioce, "If I can catch you I can have you." And boy that over-weight man can sure run fast when he wants to!

Three daughters...... (27 October 2007)

Mrs. Smith has three daughters who are all getting married within the same month. She tells each one of her daughters to write back about their married life.

To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day a telegram arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE."

Mrs. Smith gets the newspaper and checks the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Good to the last drop..." So, Mrs. Smith is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there is a postcard that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES." So, Mrs. Smith looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE." And Mrs. Smith is happy.

Then it is the third one's wedding. Mrs. Smith is anxious because two weeks have passed and still no message from the third daughter. Finally, after four weeks, comes a letter with the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS."

And Mrs. Smith looks in the newspaper for the British Airways ad, but this time she faints. The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."





oke: I'm Sorry Mr. Sam
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"

Valentine's Day Gift (25 October 2007)

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up. The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties. The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note: "This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove. "These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me. Love, Honey Bear p.s. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

Married With No Sex Is Not Easy (23 October 2007)

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, EVER have sex again - the strain would be too much.

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.

This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.

"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."

"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

Mark as unread sss@ (11 September 2007)

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

Day At The Zoo (30 July 2007)

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo.

She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.)

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

Wanking Cavemen (28 July 2007)

There were 2 cavemen, Ug and Og. Ug was sat in his cave wanking (he had just invented it) when Og walked in. "What you doing?" said Og. "Wanking" said Ug. Ug showed Og how to do it and Og left to try it for himself. Later, Ug heard a oud scream from Ogs cave and ran in. Og was sat on the floor with his dick in one hand and a club in the other. "What happened?" asked a curious Ug. No reply. "What happened Og?" After a minute or two Og replied, "when I tried that thing you taught me, it spat at me so I hit it with my club!"

Construction Site Sign Language (26 July 2007)

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

Not Enough Moaning (24 July 2007)

Morris came home and found his wife Sadie crying.
She said, "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you''re having
an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me?
I''ve always been a good wife. I''ve cooked for you, raised
your children, and have always been by your side for 35
years. What haven''t I done to make you happy?"
Morris replied, "It''s true, Sadie, you''ve been the best
wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but
one. You never moan when we have sex."
Sadie said, "If I moaned when we have sex, would you stop
running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show
you that I can moan during sex."
They went to the bedroom, got undressed, and jumped into
bed.
As they started kissing, Sadie said, "Now, Morris? Should I
moan now?"
He said, "No, not yet."
He started to fondle her and she said, "What about now?
Should I moan now?"
He said, "No, I''ll tell you when."
He climbed on top of her and started to move on her.
She said, "Is it time for me to moan now, Morris?"
He said, "Wait, wait, I''ll tell you when."
A few minutes later, just seconds before he was going to
finish, he said "Now, Sadie. Moan! Moan!"
She said, "Oy, you wouldn''t believe what a day I had..."

Bad Fishing Trip And One Magic Fish (22 July 2007)

One Saturday morning, Glen decided to go fishing.

He sat there for hours,but nothing. The bottle whiskey that he've took with him,was also empty. He throw the empty bottle into pieces against a nearby rock.

All of a sudden, there was something on the hook. He pulled the fish out of the water. The only fish for the day so far. The fish was so small, Glen decided to throw it back.

The little fish was so exited, to such an extend, that it decided to give Glen one wish.

He asked the little fish for some more whiskey. The fish said, "Allright then, when you're urinating, it will be pure whiskey."

So Glen sat there, and wonder, can this really be? Glen took a glass and urinate in it. It was pure, pure whiskey.

A while later, a women, who was standing nearby, comes to him and asks, "sir are you allright? I saw you drinking your own piss.

"No", said Glen, "it's whiskey."

The women laughed. He urinate into the glass, and gave it to her. She could'nt believe it.

So they sat there almost for the rest of the day, drinking whiskey.

After about the seventh double, she asks Glen for a nother one. He looked her in the eye, throw the glass into pieces against the rock and said "What about drinking out of the bottle?"

Making Puppies (20 July 2007)

A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating. The little boy asked his Dad what was happening.

The Father replied, "Well, son, they're making a puppy."

The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water. Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked unannounced into his parents bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position. Confused, the boy asked what were they doing.

The Dad responded very slowly and caringly to his impressionable little boy, "Well, son, we are making you a little brother."

The little boy replied, "Please turn Mom over, Dad, I'd rather have a puppy!"

Potential & Reality (18 July 2007)

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

Ancient Chinese Torture (16 July 2007)

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Farmers Secret Weapon (14 July 2007)

Seems that there was a noted gardener who was famous for his wonderful tomato plants. As would happen, one day a young lady asked him his secret for success. He replied that each morning he went out to his tomato plants with nothing on but a robe. He would stand in front of them and flash them. He suggested that she try his method.

A few weeks passed before they again met, and being the gentleman he was, he inquired as to her success. She replied that nothing had happened to her tomato plants, but that he should come and see her cucumbers!

They Are In The Shower (12 July 2007)

A salesman rang the doorbell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home.
Johnny said, "Yes."
The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?"
Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower."
Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home.
Johnny said, "Yes."
The salesman said, "Well can I see her?"
Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too."
The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?"
Johnny laughed this time and said "No."
The salesman asked, "Why?"
"Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue."

Cold In Alaska (10 July 2007)

A couple decided go to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them.

So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them.

So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands are cold again".

She then said, " Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"

Death From Adultery (08 July 2007)

Two men meet at the pearly gates of heaven. The first man says to the second, "Hey! How did you die?" The second man says, "I froze to death." "Wow that must be a terrible way to die. What's it feel like?" says the first man. "Well at first it hurts," says the second man, "But after a while everything goes numb and it's very peaceful. Like drifting off to sleep almost.

"How did you die?" "Oh I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me. So I came home early one day to catch her in the act. I ran into her room but she was sitting there knitting. So I ran down to the basement and no one was there. I ran to the first floor but no one was there either. So I ran up the steps to the attic but just as I was halfway up the steps I had a massive heart atack and died."

"How ironic," Says the second man. "Why's that?" Says the first. "If you'd only looked in the freezer then we'd both still be alive."

Boots (06 July 2007)

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Naked Statue (04 July 2007)

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"

The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"

Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...Yeah, and cold, too!"

Love Poem (02 July 2007)

He grabbed me around my slender neck
I could not call or scream.
He dragged me to my dingy room
where we could not be seen.

He tore away my flimsy wrap
and gazed upon my form.
I was so cold and damp and scared
while he was dry and warm.

He pressed his feverish lips to mine
I could not make him stop.
He drained me of my inner self
I gave him every drop.

Then he cast me from his side
so now you see me here.
An empty bottle thrown away
that once was full of beer.

Proud Jamaican Father (26 June 2007)

A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."

The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"

The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."

Organ Rejection (24 June 2007)

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant. The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?" The doctor replied "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?" The patient's friend replied "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?" "Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"
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