Voyeur Joke. Page 14

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voyeur Joke

Voyeurism can be not only kinky and risky, but even fun when it comes to sense of humor. If you think the same, check our funny stories and various jokes.

Sunday School (31 May 2008)

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty !" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The Teacher fainted.

We`d Have Been Here Sooner (29 May 2008)

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

Three Labradors (27 May 2008)

Three Labrador retrievers, chocolate, yellow, and black, are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, "So why are you here?" The chocolate lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the chocolate lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."

The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.

Then the yellow lab turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants,whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

American Hotel (25 May 2008)

An amish family was spending a night at an American Hotel. They were very surprised with all of the things they saw. One thing that really caught their attention was the silver walls that opened and closed. They decided to watch and see what happened.

A lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the silver walls, and presses the button. The silver walls open, she rolls in, doors go closed, then they watch the numbers light up to the highest, then down. The doors open and a pretty young woman walks out.

The boy looks at his father and the father looks at his boy. Then the father quietly whispered to the boy, "Go get your mother!"

My Homeland (23 May 2008)

An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."

"How can you tell?" asked the American.

"I can feel the cold air." he replied.

A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.

"How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert."

Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York."

The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?" they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."

Admit That You Did That (21 May 2008)

An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.

He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

Nobody answered him.

He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

Again nobody answered.

The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish." So the Indian asked again,

"Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff."

The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?"

The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!"

Thief (19 May 2008)

A man was sleeping when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"

The man had gone through this almost every night for 20 years, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out.

This time, however, there was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house.

As the thief was about to flee the man said, "You have to come with me and meet my wife."

The thief said, "Why would you want me to meet your wife?"

The man replied, "Well, she's been expecting you for 20 years."

It Too Low? (17 May 2008)

A busty, young, gorgeous blonde was trying on an EXTREMELY low cut dress.

As she studied herself in the mirror, she asked the sales lady if she thought it was too low cut.

"Do you have hair on your chest?"

"No, of course not, what a stupid question!!!"

"Then it's too low cut."

Handgun Is Better Than A Woman (15 May 2008)

1) You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

2) You can trade a .44 for two .22's.

3) You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.

4) If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.

5) Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

6) Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.

7) A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

8) Handguns function normally every day of the month.

9) A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"

10) A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it.

11) You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.

12) A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger is.

13) A handgun won't tell all of its friends if you are a "little fast on the trigger."

Family Size (13 May 2008)

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families. "I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic. "That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!" "You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

Confessions (11 May 2008)

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"

The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

The rabbi had his turn of interrogation: "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate, but..."

The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."

The two resumed their reading. It was silent for a while.

Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

Definitely Too Much Sun (09 May 2008)

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."

The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

Blonde Jigsaw (07 May 2008)

Puzzle John gets a call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.

"I've got a problem," says Buffy.

"What's the matter?" asks John.

"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks John.

"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.

"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.

John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For heaven's sake, Buffy, put the corn flakes back in the box."

Amazing Little (03 May 2008)

Johnny has to write a story about someone in his family that does something amazing. The next day, he returns and tells the class that his father eats lightbulbs.

"How do you know that?" asks his teacher.

"I heard him say it. He and Mom were in the bedroom and he said 'If you turn out the light, I'll eat that thing.'"

Pregnant Nudist (01 May 2008)

A young girl hadn't been feeling well, so she went to her family doctor. The doctor ran some tests and then told her she was pregnant.

The girl said, "I can't be! The only men I've been around are nudists from my colony and we only practice sex with our eyes."

"Well, my dear," said the doctor. "Someone in that colony must be cockeyed."

Drink To Friendship (29 April 2008)

A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe. "Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives," she spoke wisely. "I agree completely, ma'am," the man replied. The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle. "This bottle of wine wasn't even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship." "That's a great idea, miss," the man answered taking the bottle from her. He popped the cork and drank his share. "I'm sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some?" "No, thanks," came the reply. "I'll just wait for the cops to get here."

Ship To Europe (27 April 2008)

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry."

Golf Lessons (25 April 2008)

A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says not bad. Golfpro: "Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!" Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."

Mario & Luigi (23 April 2008)

Mario: Do you like ugly, fat women?

Luigi: Of course not.

Mario: You don't? But do you like women with fat, hairy butts?

Luigi: No, not at all.

Mario: Really? And you don't like women with sagging breasts?

Luigi: Absolutely not.

Mario: Why do you sleep with my wife, then?

Not Long Enough (21 April 2008)

A girl was helping her boyfriend set up his PC and he wanted to log in with a password. Now, you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "penis".

His girlfriend nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied...:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

Learning Differences (19 April 2008)

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

- First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse...

so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

- Ok, now take off my skirt...

and he takes off her skirt.

- Now take off my bra...

which he does.

- And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.

and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,

"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

Taking A Peek At Friends Wifes Boob (17 April 2008)

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell. The wife answers.

"Hi, Sara, is Tony home?"

"No, Chris, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No, come in."

They sit down and after a few minutes, the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell -- a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 dollar bill on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "I've just got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could see the both of them together."

Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table, then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

National Condom Week (15 April 2008)

Did you know that this week is *National Condom Week*? Here's a *salute* to the *new* condoms on the market!

Lumberjack Condoms
For the woody that won't be cut down.

Sprout Condoms
Add a little moisture, and watch it grow!

Helium Condoms
For those flaccid moments when you just need a lift...

KFC Condoms
When you just need to *wing* it.

ASPCA condoms
For that lil' pup in you!

Howdy Doody Condoms
When you know "what time it is!!"

Lassie Condoms
When you know she's a bitch, but you're gonna do her anyway!

George W. Bush Condoms
When "Junior" wants to take over!

Yawn Condoms
When you're bored stiff.

Memory Condoms
When it's on the tip of your tongue.

Chatterbox Condoms
When you need to talk it up.

Cheerleader Condoms
When you want it *Rah*!

Scorpion Condoms
When you wanna sting 'er!

Jock Condoms
When it's a team effort!

Prone Condoms
When you flat-out want it.

Pitching Wedge Condom
For those special moments in the rough!

Electrical Condom
Cures the shorts in your pants!

Plumbing Condom
When you know you're gonna clean those pipes! (c) Original Sins

Warming Up (13 April 2008)

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and the boyfriend said "My hands are freezing cold." The girl said "Put them between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm them up". So he did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up." So he did and his nose began to get warm. He lifted his head up from between the girls legs and said "Do you know what? I think my penis is frozen solid" The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

Student Has Compulsion To Have Sex (11 April 2008)

The stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some course problems, but seemed to be only half paying attention to his replies.

"Are you feeling OK?" he asked.

"Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I meet." she admitted. "Is there a name for my condition?"

"Why yes, there is." he said, as he picked her up and began carrying her to the couch. "It's called 'Good News'."
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