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voyeur Joke

Voyeurism can be not only kinky and risky, but even fun when it comes to sense of humor. If you think the same, check our funny stories and various jokes.

God spoke to Adam… (11 March 2011)

God spoke to Adam. "Adam I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I will give you two organs to give you great power and pleasure. I will give you a brain to enable you to think and to control the world. And I will give you a penis to give great pleasure in lovemaking."
"Sounds great God!" said Adam. "But what's the bad news?"
"You only have enough blood to work one at a time."

A guy walked… (09 March 2011)

A guy walked into the pub with an ostrich and a cat. He walked up to bar and ordered three beers, they sat at a table and began drinking.
When they'd finished, the ostrich went to the bar and ordered three more beers. This happened several times. First the man, then the ostrich but never the cat.
"Why isn't the cat buying?", asked the curious barman.
"It's a strange story", replied the man, "I was walking along the beach one day and found a lamp. I gave it a rub and a genie appeared and said, "You have one wish - anything you like", I thought for a moment and asked for a big bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

Leo went to the doctor (07 March 2011)

Leo went to the doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor checked his heart and blood pressure and frowned.
"You've got ten hours to live", he said.
"I demand a second opinion", said Leo, and rushed off to a heart specialist.
The heart specialist checked him out immediately and said, "Leo, you've got nine hours to live."
Leo jumped into his car and raced home to his wife.
"Darling", he said, "I have only eight hours to live."
"What do you want to do in your final hours, Leo?"
"I want to make love", said Leo.
So they jumped into bed.
During their post coital cigaretter, Leo said, "I've got seven hours to live. Can we make love again?"
"Of course", said his loving wife.
After another hour, and another post coital cigarette, he said, "Darling, I have only six hours to live, Lets do it again."
"For Christ's sake, Leo", she said, "It's O.K. for you! You don't have to get up early in the morning."

One sunny Sunday (05 March 2011)

One sunny Sunday, Superman was flying around with nothing to do, so he decided to drop in on Batman.
"Hi, Bat", said Superman, "let's go down the pub and have a beer."
"Not today, Super. My Batmobile's broken down and I've got to fix it. Can't fight crime without it, you know."
Disappointed, Superman went over to Spiderman's place.
"Let's go down the pub for a drink, Spider."
"Sorry Super. I've got a problem with my web gun. Can't fight without it, you know."
Dejectedly, Superman took to the air again, and decided to drop by on Wonder Woman. There she was, lying on her back out on her balcony, stark naked and writhing around. Superman conceived a cunning idea. "Everyone says I'm faster than a speeding bullet, and I've always wondered what sort of screw she'd be'.
So he zoomed down, did her in a flash and zoomed off.
What the hell was that!", cried Wonder Woman.
"I don't know, but it hurt like hell!" said the Invisible Man.

She was gazing… (03 March 2011)

She was gazing in the window of the shoe shop, admiring a beautiful pair of black Italian stiletto heeled shoes, priced far beyong her capacity to pay.
The shoe salesman in the shop beckoned her in. "You can have those shoes if you come to bed with me", he said.
"O.K.", she replied, "but I should tell you, I don't like sex very much."
He gave her the shoes and they booked into a motel room. They took off their clothes and jumped into bed. He humped away while she lay passively, missionary style. Suddenly, she threww her legs up into the air and cried,
"Wonderful!.....Beautiful!..... Oh my God, so lovely!....."
"I thought you didn't like sex", he panted.
"I don't", she replied, "I'm just admiring my beautiful new shoes."

Pete had an embarrassing… (27 February 2011)

Pete had an embarrassing twitch in his eye. He had tried everything to get rid of it. At last he found a Chinese doctor who told him that a regular dose of aspirin would fix his problem.
When he returned, Dr Woo asked him how he was progressing.
"No good", said Pete. "Every time I go into the drug store and ask for a packet of aspirin, they give me these!", and he threw down fifty packets of condoms.

A young man went to… (25 February 2011)

A young man went to the psychiatrist complaining that he was getting married and he was worried about the small size of his penis. The psychiatrist advised him to go and stay on a dairy farm, and every morning, dip his penis in milk and get is sucked by a calf.
Some time later, the young man met the psychiatrist in the street.
"How's the marriage going?", asked the psychiatrist.
"I never got married", said the young man. "I cancelled it and bought the calf."

When she met him… (23 February 2011)

When she met him in the Single Bar, she told him she was Libra on the cusp of Scorpio. He replied that he was Taurus with penis rising.
It was her first night at the Singles Bar and the handsome young guy had asked her home to watch some video.
"No funny business? Nothing serious?", she asked.
"Trust me, We'll just watch a few movies."
"But what if I've seen the movies?"
"Well, you can put your clothes on and go home."

Ossie approached… (21 February 2011)

Ossie approached the umpire after a series of bad decisions.
"If I called you a stupid bastard who didn't know the first thing about the rules of football, what would you do?", he said.
"I'd report you and you'd be fined", replied the umpire.
"What if I didn't say it and I just thought it?", said Ossie.
"Well, there's nothing I can do about that."
"O.K.", said Ossie, "we'll just leave it at that."

The young guy was….. (19 February 2011)

The young guy was a weight lifter and very proud of his physique.
"After I won Gold at the Olympics", he told his new girlfriend, "I got quite a few advertising contracts. Have a look at this." He rolled up his sleeves. On each of his biceps he had 'NIKE' tattooed.
"A thousand dollars for each arm", he said.
He removed his shirt. 'SLAZENGER' was tattooed over his chest.
"I got $10,000 for that one."
He removed his trousers and displayed "PUMA' tattooed on his legs. "And I got $5,000 for this", he added.
But when she saw "AIDS' tattooed on his penis, she was horrified and ran for the door.
"Don't go!", he said. "If you stay you'll find out why I got $20,000 from Adidas.

Joan Collins went… (17 February 2011)

Joan Collins went to the gyno for an examination. As the doctor moved his head down betwen her legs he said excitedly, "That's the biggest one I've ever seen! That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"You didn't have to say it twice!", she said with embarrasment.
"I didn't!" he replied.

Bill had just returned… (13 February 2011)

Bill had just returned home from a sales convention in Hong Kong. He spent his days at the convention and his nights in the Red Light district, and was now suffering from a painful and inflamed penis. He hurried to the doctor, who diagnosed it as the Hong Kong Dong and told Bill he would have to have his penis amputated.
Bill was shocked and sought a second opinion, only to be given the same advice - amputation.
A friend recommended a Chinese doctor who practised traditional medicine. The Chinese doctor confirmed the Hong Hong Dong diagnosis but said there was no need for amputation.
"I'm so rlieved!", said Bill.
"Yes", said the Chinese medico, in a week's time it will drop off by itself."

The young tourist was… (11 February 2011)

The young tourist was exploring the Red Light district of Bangkok and thought we would try one of the well known Parlours.
"Sory", said the Madam "there are no girls available tonight."
Disappointed, he returned to leave.
"Wait!", said the Madam, "we do have a beautiful young female pig available, and she's very popular with many of our clients. I can guarantee you'll enjoy it."
"Why not!" he thought.
He paid his money and had his way with the pig.
It was so enjoyable that he was back at the same Parlour the next night, asking for the pig.
"I'm sorry", said the Madam, "the pig's not available, but there's good show on tonight - a donkey with one of our girls."
He paid his money and took his seat behind the two-way mirror.
"Gee", he said to the man sitting next to him, "this is incredible."
"It's nothing", said the stranger. "You should have been here last night. There was a man fucking a pig."

A Jew, an Indian and a Frenchman (09 February 2011)

A Jew, an Indian and a Frenchman were travelling across Texas when their car broke down. They knocked on a farmers' door and asked for accommodation for the night.
"I can only put up two", said the farmer, "one will have to sleep in the barn," said the Jew.
"I will sleep in the barn", said the Jew.
Five minutes later there was a knock on the door. "There's a pig in the barn", said the Jew, "I cannot sleep with a pig."
"O.K., I'll go", said the Indian.
Five minutes later, there was a knock on the door. "There's a cow in the barn", said the Indian, "I am a Hindu, I cannot sleep with a cow."
"I'll go", said the Frechman.
Five minutes later, there was another knock on the door. It was the pig and the cow.

The young parents used (07 February 2011)

The young parents used code words when discussing sex in front of their children. The terms for intercourse ws "washing machine".
They were lying in bed one night when he said to her, "Darling, washing machine."
"Not now, I've got a headache", she replied.
An hour later, he ran his hand down her leg and said, "Darling, washing machine, please! washing machine."
"I've got a headache!", she complained.
An hour later, feeling sorry for him, she turned to him and said, "O.K. washing machine."
"Don't worry", he replied, "it was a small load so I did it by hand."

Ivon looked worried.... (05 February 2011)

Ivon looked worried. He was explaining to his friend about his experience after the party the night before.
"I was so pissed", he said, "I can hardly remember a thing. All I know is that I woke up on top of this woman. I didn't know what to do, so I gave her $20, rolled over and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, I was at home in bed and I realised it was my wife that I'd given the $20 to."
"Well, what's the problem?" said his friend.
"She gave me $10 change", Ivan replied.







"Doctor, I feel weak and faint."

"Doctor, I feel weak and faint."
"How many times do you have sex?", asked the doctor.
"Five or six times a night."
"Obviously that's the cause of your problem", said the doctor.
"What a relief, doc. I was afraid it might be the masturbation."

A young man got... (03 February 2011)

A young man got onto a bus and took a seat beside a most beautiful redhead.
"Hi", he said as he sat down.
"Hello", she replied, "It's a nice day, isn't it? I saw my psychiatrist today and he said that I had a problem."
"What sort of problem?", asked the young man.
"I can't tell you", replied the beautiful young thing. "I don't even know you."
"Well, sometimes it's good to talk over your problems with a perfect stranger", he replied.
"Well", she said, "my psychiatrist said that I'm a nymphomaniac who only likes to have sex with Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name's Shirley."
"Pleased to meet you, Shirley", replied to young man. "My name's Hopalong Goldberg."

A woman rushed… (30 January 2011)

A woman rushed up to the manager of the movie theatre and complained that she had been molested in the front stalls.
The manager calmed her down and was ushering her to another seat when another woman complained to him that she had been molested in the front stalls too.
The manager went down to the front and shone his torch along the floor where he saw a bald man crawling along on his hands and knees.
"What are you doing?" demanded the manager.
The bald man looked up. "I've lost my toupee. It fell off in the dark. I had my hand on it twice but it got away!"

A guy and his wife... (28 January 2011)

A guy and his wife were playing 18 holes of golf. It was a beautiful sunny day and they had the entire course to themselves.
When he was about to hit off at the 13th hole, he collapsed to the ground, clutching his chest, having a heart attack. Despite the fact that he was 6'2" and weighed 18 stone, she picked him up, put him on her shoulders and headed for the clubhouse.
She eventually arrived at the clubhouse still carrying her huge husband on her sholders. Two other club members arrived and helped carry him inside, called an ambulance and sent him to the hospital.
"How could you carry such a huge man on your shoulders from the 13th hole?" the Club President asked the wife in amazement. "Wasn't it difficult?"
"Yes", said the wife, "but carrying him wasn't the hard part. It was picking him up and putting him down after each shot that was difficult."

Every seat… (26 January 2011)

Every seat in the football stadium was sold except one. It was Grand final day. A television reporter noticed the empty seat and thought there might be a story.
"Why is this seat empty"", he asked a man sitting beside it.
"That's my wife's seat", came the reply.
"Then why isn't she here?"
"She died last week", replied the man.
"I'm so sorry to hear that", said the reporter, "but surely you could have found a friend to come with you today."
"No", replied the man, "they're all at the funeral."

Jesus was relieving… (24 January 2011)

Jesus was relieving St Peter at the Pearly Gates. An old man asked for admission.
"Name?", said Jesus.
"Jeseph."
"Occupation?"
"Carpenter."
Jesus become excited. "Did you have a son?"
asked Jesus.
"Yes."
"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?"
"Yes!" said the old man.
Jesus looked at the old man with a tear in his eye, put his arms out and said, "Father! Father! It's me! It's me!
The old man looked puzzled, then beamed - "Pinocchio!"

Private Smith`s mother… (22 January 2011)

Private Smith's mother had died unexpectedly and the Sergeant Major had to break the news to him.
"Break it gently to him", advised his Lieutenant.
It was parade time, and the Sergeant Major was giving his troops a quick inspection.
"Brown! Straighten your hat! Jones! Your shoes are filthy. Johnson! Button up your jacket. Smith! Your mother's dead."
Smith's knees buckled, and he was carted off to Sick Bay.
A few weks later, Private Smith's father died, and the Sergeant Major again had to pass on the bad news.
"Break it to him gently", said the Lieutenant.
"You saw what happened last time."
Out on the parade ground, the Sergeant Major called his men to attention.
"All those who have father take one step forward!", he roared. "And where do you think you're going, Private Smith?"

He was obviously (20 January 2011)

He was obviously trying to impress her as they walked into the jewellery shop on Friday night.
"Choose any diamond ring you'd like, darling", he said, gesturing flamboyantly.
She chose a five carat setting worth $40,000.
"Can I pay by cheque?", he asked the manager.
"Certainly, sir, but of course you understand that we will have to keep the ring until the cheque is cleared."
A few days later, he returned to the jewellers.
The concerned manager said, "I'm afraid your cheque has bounced."
"Yes, I know", he said, "I just dropped by to thank you and say that I had a really great weekend."

A man is out in... (04 January 2011)

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter"

Maria just got married... (30 December 2010)

Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous! Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man, go upstairs and he'll take care of you!"
So up the stairs she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," said her mother. "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and Tony will take care of you!"

So, up she went again! When she got there, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama,mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

Her mother replied,"Don't worry Maria, all good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man, go upstairs and he will take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the sauce dear," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"


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