Voyeur Joke. Page 1

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voyeur Joke

Voyeurism can be not only kinky and risky, but even fun when it comes to sense of humor. If you think the same, check our funny stories and various jokes.

The greenpeace (11 June 2011)

The greenpeace activist saw a girl wearing a mink coat. He approaches her and started to tell her, aren’t you ashamed, lady, can you imagine how many animals have died for you to wear such clothes…
She answers: can you imagine how many animals I had to fuck with, to buy such a coat?....

Hi! How are you? (10 June 2011)

- Hi! How are you?
- Fine. But I think I have a sore throat…
- I know what to do. Every time when I have a sore throat I'm having an oral sex with my husband and it helps me!
- The great idea, I will try…
On the second day:
- Well, how do you feel? Did it help?
- Yes, thank you very much, my throat is all right. But your husband couldn't believe that it was your idea!

When I was young... (28 May 2011)












When I was young, my father told me: “You mustn’t visit brothel! You might get in such an embarrassing situation there, that a normal man has to avoid!”
And I was so excited why did he say so, that I decided to go there and find out everything..
- And, what did you find there?
- My father…

Honey (26 May 2011)



- Honey, you’re just amazing, I had 3 orgasms! You must be fucking a new chick every night?
- No, why do you say so? I’m very sophisticated in choosing the partner, I like smart girls, I like to talk about the literature, paintings, psychology…
- And what feature did you like in me most of all?
- Your big tits, of cource!

The tenant crept… (28 April 2011)

The tenant crept into the bed with the landlord's wife and proceeded to seduce her. She angrily pushed him away and said, "Stop it, or I will tell my husband."
Undaunted, he continued with his antics. Eventually she relented and he succeeded in making love to her.
After a short while she got restless and began to nudge and prod at the tenant and got him to make love to her for a second time. And before he could doze off, she rolled on top of him yet again and in no uncertain terms conveyed to him what she wanted. Sleepily he said, "Stop it or I will tell your husband."

The priest was delivering… (26 April 2011)

The priest was delivering a fiery sermon on the Gospels while the members of the congregation listened raptly in the packed church.
"You can accomplish anything with God's help," he declared, "just as our blessed Saviour fed five hundred people with seven loaves of bread."
"Father," whispered the altar boy, "you made a mistake. The Gospel says five thousand, not five hundred."
"Hold your tongue!" snapped the priest. "Those dolts are having enough difficulty believing five hundred!"

A man had a blown… (24 April 2011)

A man had a blown tyre next to the asylum. While changing the tyre he noticed a patient leaning over the wall looking at what he was doing with keen interest. Before he could replace the wheel, he realised that the screws had rolled down the slope, dropped into the drain and could not be retrieved. While wondering what to do, the patient sugested that he took out one screw from each of the other wheels to fix on the last wheel. In this way he would be able to drive to the nearest gas station to have his problems fixed. The man was naturally impressed and complimented the patient for his wise suggestion. The patient replied, "It is nothing, actually. You see, I may be mad but I'm not stupid."


A man was caught… (22 April 2011)

A man was caught with a blown tyre in a remote locality in the middle of the night but could not change the tyre because there was no jack in his car. The only alternative would be to ask for assistance from the occupants of a farm house a mile down the road.
As he walked, he contemplated answers for likely questions he was likely to encounter from the irate occupants: "What the hell do you want at this hour of night?", "Why didn't you carry a jack in your car like everybody else?", "If I lend it to you, how am I to know that I'd get it back?"
On reaching the farm house, he knocked on the door with uneasy expectations. Very slowly the door opened and he was greeted by a pleasant voice, "I see you are in trouble. How can I help you?"
"You can bloody well keep your jack!" the man answered and left the scene.

Jesse James and… (20 April 2011)

Jesse James and his gang were robbing a train.
"Stock 'em up," he cried, "We are going to rob the ladies and rape the men!"
There was a subdued giggling coming from an old lady passenger. "Heh, heh, Jesse, surely you must be mistaken: you mean rob the men and rape the ladies?" she said.
Then from behind the coach came the voice of a stray fag, "Shut up, lady! Let Jesse rob the train his own way!"

The doctor was examing… (18 April 2011)

The doctor was examing the pretty and well endowed patient and thinking her to be naive proceeded to take advantage of the situation.
Putting his hands around her breasts he asked her, "What am I doing?"
"You are taking my heartbeat," she answered. The doctor smiled to himself at the girl's innocence.
He then unzipped his trousers and put his penis into her mouth at the same time asking her, "What am I dong?"
"You are taking my temperature," she said.
By now, the doctor really thought he had the most gullible patient in front of him and next thing, he was already on top of her.
"What am I doing now?" he asked the girl.
"You are getting Aids because that's what I came to see you about," she answered.

Two nuns were… (16 April 2011)

Two nuns were walking towards the other side of town along a deserted alley way when they were confronted by two drunken sailors and raped. After the sailors had left,they carefully arranged their attire and continued on the journey. One nun then turned to the other and said, "What bad luck to get raped twice on the same night."
"what do you mean twice?" the other nun asked.
"We are going back by the same way, aren't we?" came the reply.


A businessman…. (14 April 2011)

A businessman was travelling overnight on a train to Paddington for a very important meeting. He told the conductor, "I am getting off in Padding for a meeting of such importance that I would not want to miss for the world. I would therefore appreciate it if you could wake me up at my distination at whatever costs... throw me off the train if need be."
In the morning the businessman woke up starled to find that he had overslept and missed his stop. Pulling the stunned conductor by the collar, he expressed in no uncertain terms his disappointment.
"Easy, easy on me, dear Sir," pleaded the conductor, "I understand how you feel but the fellow I threw out in Paddington must have felt even worse."

A lawyer, suspecting…. (12 April 2011)

A lawyer, suspecting his wife of having an affair, called his home one afternoon to check on her.
"I am Nicholson," the lawyer introduced himself to the other person who he believed to be the new maid his wife had taken in earlier in the morning.
"Can I speak to Mrs. Nicholson?"
"I'm afaid Mrs. Nicholson cannot come to the phone", she answered.
"Ah, you mean she has gone out?" asked the lawyer.
"No, as a matter of fact she is in the bedroom," she answered.
"I see, she must be sleeping?" the lawyer asked.
"No. The milkman is with her," she said. Enraged, the lawyer said, "I will pay you $10,000 if you can kill both of them. There should be no trouble at all but if there is any hitch, I will be able to defend you in court."
He then gave instructions for her to get the gun from the study and shoot his wife and the milkman. After a while he heard two gun shots over the phone.
"I have already killed both of them," he heard the frightened voice of the maid on the other side.
"Good! Now slowly drag the bodies into the swimming pool, " instructed the lawyer.
"What swimming pool?" enquired the maid.

Forgive me, Father….. (10 April 2011)

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I used the F word this morning on the golf course."
"Tell me, my son, what were the circumstances that put you under such extreme provocation?"
"I drove my tee shot three hundred metres, but the wind suddenly cought it and it landed in the rough."
"I can appreciate your disappointment. I am a golfer myself."
"No, that's not it, Father, I hit a beautiful shot out of the rough. It dropped about ten metres short and rolled into a sand trap."
"Now", said the Priest, "I can really understand you using the F word."
"No, Father. I pulled out my sand wedge and hit a perfect shot, In fact, the ball hit the pin and bounced two inches from the hole."
"Is that where you used the F word?"
"No, Father."
"Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!"

Francis had the flu… (08 April 2011)

Francis had the flu.
"Why don't you take the day off?" said one of his workmates. "But the boss wouldn't like it", said Francis, coughing and sneezing.
"Don't worry, he's never here on Wednesdays anyway."
So Francis took his friend's advice and went home. As he passed his bedroom window, he saw his boss in bed with his wife. He rushed back to the office and said to his mate, "That was a close one, to be sure. I nearly got caought!"

Charles knocked… (31 March 2011)

Charles knocked at Her Ladyship's door and entered.
"You rang, Your Ladyship?"
"Charles, please unzip my dress."
With a great deal of embarrassment, he did so.
"Now Charles, take off my stockings."
He was really embarrassed.
"Now Charles, take off my underwear....and if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you will be instantly dismissed."

Charles was again… (29 March 2011)

Charles was again summoned to the bedroom by Her Ladyship. She was lying on the bed, naked.
"Charles", she asked, "do you think I've got a beautiful body?"
"Yes, Your Ladyship. I think you've got a fantastic body."
"Good, Charles", she said, "are you a good fuck?"
"Indeed I am, Madam!", replied Charles excitedly.
"Then fuck off. It's April Fools Day."

We specialise In Hygiene… (27 March 2011)


"We specialise In Hygiene", said the sign at the bread shop.
The customer was delighted when she saw the baker pick up her rolls with a pair of tongs and put them in a bag.
"Untouched by human hands!", said the baker.
"Very good!" said the customer, "but tell me, what is that piece of string hanging out of your fly?"
"hygeine!", said the baker. "When I have a piss I pull it out with the string. My hand never touches my dick."
"How do you put it back?", asked the customer.
With the tongs", replied the baker.

A man walked… (25 March 2011)

A man walked into a bar and saw an old friend dejectedly nursing a drink. "You look terrible," the man said.
"My mother died in July and left me $10,000," the friend replied. "Then in August my father died and left me $20,000."
"That's tough, losing both parents in two months."
"Then to top it off," the friend said, "my aunt died last month and left me $50,000."
"How sad."
"Tell me about it," the friend continued. "So far this month, nothing."

Walking down the street… (23 March 2011)

Walking down the street one day, a woman heard a voice yell, "Stop! If you take one more step you will be killed!" The woman stopped, and seconds later a brick fell and landed in her path.
A minutes or two after that, she was getting ready to cross the street when same voice bellowed, "Halt! Don't cross the street now!" An out-of-control beer truck soon careened around the corner and didn't even slow down as it ran the red light.
Shaken, the woman asked out loud, "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice replied. "I imagine you have some questions for me."
"You bet I do," the woman said. "Where were you on my wedding day?"

A 90-year-old man… (21 March 2011)

A 90-year-old man checked into a posh hotel to celebrate his birthday. As a surprise, some friends sent a call girl to his room. When the man answered his door, he saw before him a beautiful young woman. "I have a present for you." she told him.
"Really?" replied the bewildered man.
"I'm here to give you super sex." she said softly.
"Thanks," he said thoughtfully. "I'll take the soup."

There were 2 old-maid sisters…. (19 March 2011)

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock...

Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"

After fifteen years… (17 March 2011)

After fifteen years, they had separated amicably, and after the court case, decided to go out and have a celebration dinner together.
"There's something I've wanted to ask you for years", he said, "and now that we're divorced, you can tell me. Why is it that five of our six children have black hair and our youngest, Billy, is blonde? Come on, it's O.K. you can tell me now. Whose child is Billy?"
"Well", replied his ex-wife, "if you really want to know, he's your child. The rest aren't."

An Australian, an Englishman and a Frenchman… (15 March 2011)

An Australian, an Englishman and a Frenchman were discussing the meaning of 'savoir faire'. The Australian gave an example:
"Say a man comes home and finds his best mate screwing his wife in bed. He says, 'G'day Shirley, g'day George. Never mind me, just carry on. I'll go and get a beer.' That's savoir faire!"
The Englishman said, "By jove, that's a good one, but we'd do it a little differently. A chap comes home and finds his chum in bed with his wife and says, "Good evening, Shirley, good evening George, old chap. Never mind me, just carry on whilst I make a gin and tonic.' Now that's savoir faire!"
The Frenchman said, "Non! Non! Zee Frenchman comes home and finds 'is best friend in bed making zee passionate love to his wife, he says, "bonjour mon ami, bonjour Shirlee. Never mind me, just carry on while I pour a glass of champagne.' And my friend continues to make love to my wife, that's savour faire!"

Oh no, it`s... (13 March 2011)

"Oh no, it's my husband!", she said to her boyfriend on hearing the front door slam. "Quick hide in the wardrobe!"
He grabbed his clothes and dashed from the bed to the wardrobe. After a few minutes, another voice said quietly, "It's damn dark in here, isn't it?"
The man, shivering in the nude, said, "Who's there?"
The little voice replied, "Give me $50 and I won't yell out to Dad and tell him who you are."
In no position to argue, he handed over the money, and at the appropriate time made a quick dash out the window.
The following week, Junior came home with a brand new set of roller blades. His mother queried, "Where did you get the money for those?"
"I had $50", he replied.
"Where did you get that kind of money?", but Junior wasn't telling.
Convinced her son was up to no good, she ordered him to go to Church. "Confession will fix you up, my boy. You'll have to tell the Priest", and she pushed him into the confessional box and shut the door.
"It's damn dark in here", he said out loud.
"Now, don't start that again!", said the Priest.
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