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Chimpanzeectomy ... (15 April 2005)
"You're sure you want to go through with this?" he said.
Larry nodded.
"Absolutely," enthused he (enthusiastically).
"You do realise what's involved, then?"
Larry shrugged.
"Kind of," he said (unconvincingly).
"Allow me to explain the procedure," said the doctor (explaining the procedure being his favourite part of the job): "Your arms will have extra bone added to make them longer, your legs will have bone removed to make them shorter. Parts of you brain will be removed and we'll take your skull in, reducing it's size and your intelligence level. Plastic surgery will be carried out in order to alter the shape of your face, ears and buttocks, hormones will be injected into your bloodstream to encourage growth of body fur and finally you will go through DNA therapy to make you capable of reproducing. Are you sure you want to go through with all of that?"
Larry pretended to consider this for a second.
"Yup," said he.
The doctor sighed.
"Before I'm allowed to operate you'll have to live as a chimpanzee for one year, get a feel for the lifestyle before you make the big plunge."
Larry saluted.
"Aye, aye skipper."
The cargo loading blokey forced Larry into a crate.
"Can't I travel in a seat?" complained he. "You want to be a chimpanzee right? Then you travel like one. In the hold with all the other disgusting animals and contraband," said the blokey.
T he crate was nailed shut and thrown roughly into the plane.
"Watch it," Larry yelled.
"Chimps can't talk," said the blokey.
One turbulence ridden flight later (Larry suspected the pilot had done it intentionally) Larry sat in the forest of whichever country it is chimpanzees live in and grunted contentedly at the delicious looking female he had his eye on (oblivious to the fact that she was actually an orang-utan).
He turned his gaze upwards and espied the graceful form of a giraffe, eating of the high up leaves. Beautiful, he thought.
Two days later Larry was seated back in the doctor's office.
"Ahh, so you've changed your mind then," said the doctor, triumphantly.
"Yes, I no longer want to be a chimpanzee," said Larry.
The doctor grinned.
"I want to be a giraffe instead."
The doctor hid the £ signs which were flashing in his eyes by burying his face in his hands.