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Welcome to our "smut" library. Here you will find various information articles and exciting stories dedicated to voyeurism. We welcome erotic fiction from our visitors. Notice that we add points to authors for every story we publish.

The customer's always right (12 November 2004)

This first conversation takes place between a hotel guest in bangkok and his Thai room service.
Room Service Morny, rune sor-bees.
Hotel Guest: Oh sorry, I thought I dialed room service.
Room Service Rye, rune sore-bees. Morny. Jewish to ordor sunteen?
Hotel Guest: I'd like some bacon and eggs.
Room Service Ow July then?
Hotel Guest: What?
Room Service Aches. Ow July then? Pry, boy, pooch..?
Hotel Guest: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, Scrambled please.
Room Service Ow July thee Baycome? Crease?
Hotel Guest: Crisp will be fine.
Room Service Okay. An Santos?
Hotel Guest: Ugh.....I don't know....I don't think so.
Room Service No? Judo one toes?
Hotel Guest: Look, I really feel bad about this, but I just don't know what judo-one toes means, I'm sorry.
Room Service Toes! Toes! Why Jew Don Juan toes? Ow bow eengligh mopping we bother?
Hotel Guest: English Muffin! I've got it! Toast! You were saying toast! Fine. An English Muffin will be fine.
Room Service We Bother?
Hotel Guest: No, just put the bother on the side.

Room Service Wad?
Hotel Guest: I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.
Room Service Copy?
Hotel Guest: I feel terrible about this, but ....
Room Service Copy. Copy, tea, mill.
Hotel Guest: Coffee! Yes coffee please. And that's all.
Room Service One minnie. Ass rune torino-fie, strangle aches, crease Baycome, tossy eengligh mopping we bother honey sight, and copy. Rye?
Hotel Guest: Whatever you say.
Room Service Okay, Tenjewberrymud.
Hotel Guest: You're welcome.
We join the next conversation some time after the start. The sales rep is trying to get an address to send the bill
Phone Sales Rep: "Ok, now I need the billing address of the card."
Customer: "But I want it shipped to my daughter at school."
Phone Sales Rep: "That's not a problem; I can ship anywhere you like, but I do need the correct billing address."
Customer: "Ok."
Phone Sales Rep: "Sir, the billing address please?"
Customer: "Oh, were you waiting for me? I'm sorry. I send the payments to a PO Box in Maryland, I think. Do you really need that address?"
Phone Sales Rep: "No, sir, not where you send the payments, but where you receive the statements."
Customer: "A statement?" (rustle, rustle) "Yeah, here's one. It's PO Box 2386, Towson, MD."
Phone Sales Rep: "Sir, is that Towson address you just gave me where you send your payments or where you receive your statements?"
Customer: "Oh, the statements come here."
Phone Sales Rep: "And what is that address?"
Customer: "But I want it shipped to--"
Phone Sales Rep: "--your daughter at school. Right. But I still need a valid billing address."
Customer: "Young lady, if you would just tell me what you need from me, I would be happy to supply it."
Phone Sales Rep: "Where do your credit card statements come?"
Customer: "I told you. They come from Towson, MD."
Phone Sales Rep: "Not where they come from, where you receive them."
Customer: "In the mail, of course! You're not very smart, are you?"
Phone Sales Rep: "Sir, when you receive your statement from the credit card company and open it up to look at it, where are you standing?"
Customer: "In my kitchen."
Phone Sales Rep: "Your kitchen at home?"
Customer: "Of course!"
Phone Sales Rep: "Great! And what is your home address then?"
Customer: (finally supplies the address) "If you just wanted my home address, why on earth didn't you just ask for it?"
This scene takes place at a sandwich shop. A man is trying to place an order. Outside waiting in the car is a hungry teenage daughter.
Man "I'd like a plain number three, white, end piece preferred, no cheese. And BBQ chips. To go."
Clerk: (grabs a wheat roll) "Number three?"
Man "Yeah. Plain."
Clerk: (holding a wheat roll) "What size?"
Man "That's on white, please. Large."
Clerk: (cutting off a small piece of the wheat roll) "Ok."
Man "Uhhh...I want that on white. End piece if you got it. And a large."
Clerk: "Oh...yeah...sorry. What size?"
Man "Large."
Clerk: (grabbing a white roll -- with an uncut end still attached) "Ok."
Man "End piece is preferred."
Clerk: (cutting off a small piece from the roll which is just barely long enough to qualify for a large sandwich, resulting in two pieces of while roll: a small-sized piece and a piece that is only about half as long as the small size although it is the end piece of the original whole roll) "Hmm."
Man "That's large, please. Large."
Clerk: "Huh?"
Man "I want a large number three."
Clerk: "Oh...yeah...sorry." (looks at the two pieces of bread on the counter in front of him, confused) "You said you wanted an end piece?"
Man "Yeah. End piece is OK. Not required. Picky teenage daughter."
Clerk: (horizontally slices the smaller-than-small-sized piece of white roll -- the piece that has the end on it) "Ok."
Man "Uh. Excuse me. I want a large number three."
Clerk: "I thought you wanted the end piece."
Man "I want a large number three. Plain. The end piece is OK, but it is not required."
Clerk: (continues to make the sandwich on the less-than-small-sized end piece) "Ok."
Man "Uh. Excuse me again. That's a large number three, please."
Clerk: "I thought you wanted the end piece."
Man "I want a large number three, plain. Forget about the end piece, OK?"
Clerk: "What do I do with this?"
Man "What do you do with what?"
Clerk: "What do I do with this end piece?"
Man "Push it aside. Get a fresh roll of white bread, OK? I want a LARGE number three."
Clerk: "Oh...yeah."
Man "Picky teenage daughter. She has to have a large, plain sandwich."
Clerk: (cuts off a large sized piece from a fresh, whole white roll) "That's a large, right?"
Man "Yes. Large. You got it."
Clerk: "Number three?"
Man "Yeah. Plain."
Clerk: "What kind of cheese?"
Man "That's plain."
Clerk: "What kind of cheese do you want on it?"
Man "I want it plain, please."
Clerk: "What is that?"
Man "What is what?"
Clerk: "What is plain?"
Man "I want a large number three, plain."
Clerk: "What do you mean, plain?"
Man "Yes, plain."
Clerk: "What do you mean, plain?"
Man "Just a number three. Plain. Absolutely plain."
Clerk: "I dunno know what you mean."
Man "I want a large number three, absolutely plain."
Clerk: "I don't think we have that."
Man "You can't make a plain sandwich? I order them here all the time!"
Clerk: "What do you mean, plain? We don't have plains."
Man "I want a LARGE number THREE, absolutely PLAIN. Can you make one of those for me?"
Clerk: (visibly irritated) "I dunno. What do you mean, plain?"
Man "PLAIN! Nothing on it!"
Clerk: "Nothing? Just the bread?"
Man "No. Just a plain number three. Nothing on it at all. No--"
Clerk: (interrupting) "What kind of cheese?"
Man "No cheese at all! Plain!"
Clerk: (walks away from his station and talks to the manager) "I can't do this."
Manager: "What's wrong?"
Clerk: "He won't tell me what kind of cheese he wants."
Man "Can I speak to a manager?"
Manager: "Is there a problem?"
Man "I'm just trying to get a sandwich made."
Clerk: "He keeps talking about some kind of airplane or something."
Manager: "Airplane? What's his order?"
Clerk: "A large number three airplane...or plane...I dunno what he wants me to do."
Manager: "What did you order?"
Man "I'd like a number three, plain, on white, preferrably an end piece...no cheese. BBQ potato chips. To go."
Manager: "What was the problem?"
Man "I have no idea, but it appears from what he said to you that he doesn't know what the word 'plain' means."
Manager: "Well, we'll get you taken care of."
The final conversation takes place between a man and the staff of a McDonald's in New York. The man is with his girlfriend, and they decide to order the special advertised on a sign: 2 Big Macs, 2 large fries, and 2 drinks for $7.99.
Man "Can I have the 2 Big Macs, 2 large fries special?"
Clerk: "Excuse me?"
Man "Can I have the special on the sign up there?" (pointing to the sign)
Clerk: "What special?"
Man "The 2 Big Macs special."
Clerk: "That's not a special. You just order 2 Big Macs and 2 fries and 2 drinks."
Man "Will it cost $7.99?"
Clerk: "I don't know. Let me see."
She rings up the order, and it comes to around $12.
Clerk: "That is how much it costs."
Man "Then why does the sign say $7.99?"
Clerk: "I don't know what you are talking about."
Man "The sign up there." (pointing to the sign again)
Clerk: "Let me get the manager."
The manager comes over, and the guy thinks his problems are over.
Manager: "Can I help you?"
Man "I just want to order the special that I see on the sign up there."
Manager:: "There is no special at this time."
Man "Then why does the sign say there is?"
Manager: "I don't know about that, but you can order two value meals and get the same thing."
Man "But that will cost more than $7.99."
Manager: "That's right."
Man "But what I want is what is on the sign up there." (pointing to the sign again)
The manager reads the sign out loud, very slowly.
Manager: "The sign is wrong."
Man "Well, if you are the manager, why don't you take it down?"
Manager: (angrily) "Excuse me?"
Man "You are the manager, and you have signs in here that are wrong. You should take them down."
Manager: "Sir, why don't you leave my store."
Man "What?"
Manager: "Leave my store before something happens."
Man "What is going to happen?"
Manager: "Just get out of here."
The couple left, and walked about five blocks to the next McDonald's, where they ordered the same special without any problem.

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