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voyeur Tips

Welcome to our "smut" library. Here you will find various information articles and exciting stories dedicated to voyeurism. We welcome erotic fiction from our visitors. Notice that we add points to authors for every story we publish.

Jerry in Vegas (11 January 2005)

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, “I’m out of luck. I need a system.”
Jerry, on a trip to Vegas with his poker buddies, suggests “Why don’t you play your age?”
Jerry walks away but wheels around a moment later when he hears a commotion at the table he just left. Pushing his way through the crowd, he sees the lady is lying limp on the floor.
Jerry’s stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”
The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she just fainted.”

The Beauty of Modern Technology (09 January 2005)

When they were young, the first time Jerry and Jenny went to the big city they were blown away by the modern technology of the shopping malls. While Jenny and her mom went to look through a dress shop, Jerry and his dad wondered the halls nearby.
“Hey son, look at that sliding door gadget.”
They watched as an older lady with a cane entered the small room and the doors closed after her. Lights at the top of the door cycled across to the right, paused, and then cycled back to the left. The door opened and a beautiful young woman came out and walked away, a smile on her face.
Dad, eyes opened as far as they could go, turned to his son and said, “Jerry. Quick. Go get your mom.”

Selling A Car (07 January 2005)

Jenny was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to Jerry. He said, “There is a way to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied Jenny, “if only I can sell the car.”
“Okay,” said Jerry. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem selling it.”
The following weekend, Jenny made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, Jerry asked Jenny, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied Jenny, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”

Jerry the Carpenter (05 January 2005)

One afternoon, Jerry and his boss were on a roof pounding nails. Jerry would pound a nail in, then pick up another. He was holding the nail upside down. After looking at it, he suddenly tossed the nail away. He picked up another nail, right side up this time, and pounded it into the roof. He eventually tossed so many upside down nails away, that his boss came over.
“Jerry, what are you doing? How come you’re tossing away all these nails?” he asked.
“Well, they’re upside down,” Jerry replied.
Shaking his head, his boss looks at Jerry and yells, “You idiot, save them for the ceiling!”

Useful Hawaiian Phrases (27 December 2004)

On the Plane

My how your perfume fills the entire cabin!
'A'ala maoli keia wahi o kakou i kau wai 'ala kuikawa!

If I snore, I would like to apologize in advance
Ke nono au, e kala mua mai, i keia manawa ho'i.

I am filled with admiration for my in-flight meal
Kahaha ko'u na'au i ke 'ano o ka mea 'ai ma keia mokulele.

Only six dollars for a headset? Why thats only three dollars per ear!
Eono kala no ka ho'olohe lekio? 'O ia ho'i, 'ekolu wale no kala o
kahi pepeiao!

Baby, Severe Turbulance is my middle name
E ku'u kumu e, mai hopohopo, ua kapa 'ia ko'u inoa waena, 'o ia 'o
Severe Turbulance.

Get Rich Slow (25 December 2004)

The End Of Get Rich Quick = The Beginning Of Getting Rich
• Tired of the relentless “Get Rich Quick” schemes that abound?
• Have you fallen victim to pyramid scheme after pyramid scheme in a fruitless attempt to realize your “American Dream” of becoming fabulously wealthy without earning it?
• Have you found attempts to swindle money from the unsuspecting public has left you high and dry?

If you have answered yes to one or more of these questions then you have been barking up the wrong road all this time...
The secrect of gaining fortunes is not in getting it quick, but getting it, period. That is why I have created a system of “Get Rich Slow” schemes that are guaranteed to make you millionaires!!! Yes, that is right, If you don’t become a millionare before you die, I will personally give you my entire net worth on the spot! That is how confident I am that these techniques will work. Yes, my friend, the pot of gold that you have been searching for is here, read on:

Unified Field Theory (23 December 2004)

In the beginning there was Aristotle, And objects at rest tended to remain at rest, And objects in motion tended to come to rest, And God saw that is was boring.
Then God created Newton,
And objects at rest tended to remain at rest, And objects in motion tended to remain in motion, And energy was conserved, and momentum was conserved, and matter was conserved, And God saw that is was conservative.
Then God created Einstein,
And everything was relative,
And fast things became short,
And straight things became curved,
And the universe was filled with inertial frames, And God saw that it was relatively general, but some of it was especially relative.

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator (11 December 2004)

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to the other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering,
«Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!!»
4. Whistle the first seven notes of «It's a Small World» incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask,
«Got enough air in there?»

The Dr. Seuss Version of the 4 Questions (09 December 2004)

Why is it only on Passover night we never know how to do anything right? We don’t eat our meals in the regular ways, the ways that we do on all other days.
Cause on all other nights we may eat all kinds of wonderful good bready treats, like big purple pizza that tastes like a pickle, crumbly crackers and pink pumpernickel, sassafras sandwich and tiger on rye, fifty felafels in pita, fresh-fried, with peanut-butter and tangerine sauce spread onto each side up-and-down, then across, and toasted whole-wheat bread with liver and ducks, and crumpets and dumplings, and bagels and lox, and doughnuts with one hole and doughnuts with four, and cake with six layers and windows and doors. Yes— on all other nights we eat all kinds of bread, but tonight of all nights we munch matzah instead.

Clarification (07 December 2004)

True fact (humor in the financial press):
The Advanced User's Guide to the DEC Rainbow PC100 User's Guide
CONTENTS
Chapter 1. Introduction..................2
How to Use this Book...................2
How to Get Help........................3
Book Organization......................5
Conventions Used.......................43

Chapter 2. Getting Started...............76
Chapter 2 Layout.......................76
How Chapter 2 Differs from Chapter 1...88
How to use the Rainbow On/Off Switch...94
Using the «Return» key.................112
What To Do Next........................120

Attention Bridge Buyers (03 December 2004)

The most respected name in bridge sale is about to present an offer that no self respecting bridge collector can ignore. The Bradley Bridge Exchange is proud to introduce the Commemorative Bridge Series. Even if you have never collected bridges before this unique investment opportunity should interest you.
The Bradley Bridge Exchange has been selling quality collectable bridges for fifty years. Now through this once in a lifetime Internet offer, you can purchase famous bridges.
Think about it, everyone needs bridges: to go to work, walk across, jump from, get mugged under and to throw rocks from.

Bill Gates Goes to Heaven (01 December 2004)

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ‘95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before in your case; I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”
Bill replied, “well, what’s the difference between the two?”
St. Peter said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”
“Fine, but where should I go first?”
“I’ll leave that up to you.”
“Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.”

Don't Get Technical with Me (22 November 2004)

In a humorous story I recently heard, a very "inventive" technician dealt in a unique fashion with an adamant, though definitely misinformed, computer owner. Here's how the story went:
After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance.
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer.
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply.
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it.
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command

Name (20 November 2004)

These are all real answers that quiz show contestants have given
An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse
A jacket potato topping - Jam
A food that can be brown or white - Potatoes
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something with a hole in it - A window
Something people might be allergic to - Skiing
A type of record - Floppy disc
Something associated with pigs - The police
A non-living object with legs - A plant
A domestic animal - Leopard
Something red - My cardigan
Something you beat - An apple
A dangerous race - The Arabs
A number you have to memorise - Seven
Some famous brothers - Bonnie and Clyde
Something that floats in the bath - Water
Something in the garden that's green - The shed

And God said Let there be MS DOS (18 November 2004)

In Microsoft Word, if you create a file called Jesus and then save it, you'll get the message "Word is saving Jesus". Below is a more sophisticated version of that idea, using MS DOS. The provenance is not known, so sadly attribution cannot be made.

In the beginning, there was the computer.
And God entered: C:\Let there be light!
Enter user ID
C:\God
Enter password
C:\Omniscient
Invalid password
Enter password
C:\Omnipotent
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
C:\ Let there be light.
Unrecognizable command

The catflap incident (16 November 2004)

"In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house via the catflap," Gunter Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen, Germany.
"I suppose that's the reason they're called cat flaps, rather than human flaps, is because they're too small for people, and perhaps I should have realised that."
Burpus (41), a gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had become trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys.
"I got my head and shoulders through the flap but became trapped fast around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing, I sang songs and told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory.
"I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams were muffled. After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks.

The customer's always right (12 November 2004)

This first conversation takes place between a hotel guest in bangkok and his Thai room service.
Room Service Morny, rune sor-bees.
Hotel Guest: Oh sorry, I thought I dialed room service.
Room Service Rye, rune sore-bees. Morny. Jewish to ordor sunteen?
Hotel Guest: I'd like some bacon and eggs.
Room Service Ow July then?
Hotel Guest: What?
Room Service Aches. Ow July then? Pry, boy, pooch..?
Hotel Guest: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, Scrambled please.
Room Service Ow July thee Baycome? Crease?
Hotel Guest: Crisp will be fine.
Room Service Okay. An Santos?
Hotel Guest: Ugh.....I don't know....I don't think so.
Room Service No? Judo one toes?
Hotel Guest: Look, I really feel bad about this, but I just don't know what judo-one toes means, I'm sorry.
Room Service Toes! Toes! Why Jew Don Juan toes? Ow bow eengligh mopping we bother?
Hotel Guest: English Muffin! I've got it! Toast! You were saying toast! Fine. An English Muffin will be fine.
Room Service We Bother?
Hotel Guest: No, just put the bother on the side.

My aeroplane will not work (06 November 2004)

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.
From the "squawk sheets":
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

It was not my fault (04 November 2004)

Each one of these insurance claims was taken from an actual form.
They are all non-fiction.
The accident was due to the other man narrowly missing me.
The lorry driver halted and worked for the corporation.
I collided with a stationary tramcar coming in the other direction.
The occupants were stalking deer on the hillside.
I left my Austin Seven outside, and when I came out later, to my amazement there was an Austin Twelve.
To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.
There were plenty of lookers on, but no witnesses.
The water from my radiator accidently froze at twelve midnight.
The accident was due to an invisible lorry narrowly missing me.

An Italian Story (02 November 2004)

(To be read in an Italian accent.)

I am an Italiano.
One day ima gonna LA to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

The bravest man in the world back (29 October 2004)

This is from a radio show that Danny Baker did, along with regular co-host Danny Kelly. Points to bear in mind: the Shankill Road is the most famous Protestant road in Northern Ireland (and home to the "Shankill Butchers", notorious Protestant murderers of Catholics); Celtic are a Scottish football team supported by mainly Catholics, and they play in green-and-white hoops. Danny Baker's dialogue is in black, Danny Kelly's in purple.

Encounters of the sexual kind (25 October 2004)

Best sexual encounter
I was exhibitionism inside a car with my husband in a forest, there were three men near right car door and I wax my nude pussy and my separates thighs, my dress is up, my husband remove my dress and my bras, I'm totally nude, he masturbate me also, I like too much, when he open a car window, before I don't want but he is insistent. So a first man to put one's hand on my pussy, my husband remove his hand of my clit, this man at the same time place one finger inside my pussy in a second time two fingers, I prefer two, and examine my interior of my pussy, during ten minutes with his other hand he play with my breats, others guys look this, when he remove his fingers, he give his place to a other guy, this guy immediatly place two fingers inside my pussy, the first man take my hand and he would like who I take his willy, but I resist, he don't insist but my husband he was see that, and he take my hand and help this man.

The Wild Wild West (23 October 2004)

America's Forest Service allow hikers and campers to write down any comments, in order to improve future trips. These are some of the less helpful suggestions.
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

The FBI orders pizzas (22 October 2004)

From a talk by R. James Woolsey, Director of Central Intelligence, given at a conference on global organized crime. "Just in case you think the FBI is not on the job, I have received a true intercept (and this is not made up...it is not Saturday Night Live) that the FBI made of itself while conducting an investigation in San Diego. It was sent to me by a friend of mine who used to be with counterintelligence in Washington. It is called "The FBI Pizza Call." FBI agents conducted a raid of a San Diego psychiatric hospital that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents worked up quite an appetite.

heaven (30 September 2004)

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him.
"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
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