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voyeur Tips

Welcome to our "smut" library. Here you will find various information articles and exciting stories dedicated to voyeurism. We welcome erotic fiction from our visitors. Notice that we add points to authors for every story we publish.

You will all pay (31 March 2005)

Emily Sue passed away and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Microsoft Technical Support vs. The Psychic Friend (24 March 2005)

Which Provides Better Support for Microsoft Products?
by Michael Patrick Ellard
and Daniel Albert Wright From BMUG newsletter,
without permission.

In the course of a recent Microsoft Access programming project, we had three difficult technical problems where we decided to call a support hotline for advice. This article compares the two support numbers we tried:

Microsoft Technical Support and the Psychic Friends Network. As a result of this research, we have come to the following conclusions: 1) that Microsoft Technical Support and the Psychic Friends Network are about equal in their ability to provide technical assistance for Microsoft products over the phone; 2) that the Psychic Friends Net work has a distinct edge over Microsoft in the areas of courtesy, response time, and cost of support; but 3) that Microsoft has a generally better refund policy if they fail to solve your problem.

Department of Justice (22 March 2005)

REDMOND, Wash. -- Oct 14, 1994 -- Microsoft Corp. (NASDAQ:MSFT) confirmed today that it is aquiring the Department of Justice as an addition to its impressive legal department. The agreement was signed today for an unspecified sum. Bill Gates, chairman and CEO of Microsoft Corporation, said, "You never can own too many lawyers."

The Department of Justice is expected later today to withdraw it's earlier objections to a recent merger between Microsoft and Intuit, Inc. (INTU:NASDAQ). The Department no longer feels that sole control of the entire computer software industry strictly consitutes a monoply.

The Department of Justice is a small arm of the United States Government whose charter is to oversee Big Business. Their goals are to ensure that unfair business practices are not being employed and that no company obtains exclusive domination over its competition.

Tuesday, April 31..... (14 March 2005)

11:30 A.M. "Budget Cut Spinoffs" - classroom teaching aid

Monday, May 0....

9:00 A.M. Colloquium on Soviet Inferiority

10:00 A.M. Three Letter Acronym (TLA) List Update (LU)

11:00 A.M. Pre-launch News Conference

12:00 A.M. Post-scrub News Conference

Friday, April 35....

4:00 A.M. Replay of the Administrator's Good Friday speech:
"The Crucifixion: A Lesson for NASA?"

5:30 A.M. Livestock Report

6:00 A.M. Astronaut Aerobics/Morning Workout

Unix man page for NCM (12 March 2005)

NAME
ncm - new coffee maker
SYNOPSIS
ncm [ -RadCxmlnogrtucpFbqisf ] [caf|decaf|columbian]
DESCRIPTION
For each available heating unit, ncm determines if coffee exists, is hot, and is not tar(4). If any of these are true, the necessary actions are taken to change the situation as required, or as specified by the environment variable BURNERS. ncp then gathers the necessary material and proceeds. The -M option makes coffee in the morning. The drinkinfo(4) database is used to determine the blend and the amount of caffeine, based on the environment variables DRINK, TZ, and the current time. If this information cannot be obtained, full strength Maxwell House is assumed.

Twelve Steps to Not Thinking (10 March 2005)

I was a lot like you: carefree, happy and blissful. This was before my life took a tragic turn, a turn which I sense you are on the verge of taking. There is no help for me, unfortunately, but perhaps my story will prevent you from falling into the abyss into which I have been thrown.

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties, now and then, just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone. To relax, I told myself, even though I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally, I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Kafka and Thoreau. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What IS it exactly we are doing here?".

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If... (28 February 2005)

* Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color.

* You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.

* You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.

* At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.

* There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.

* You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

* You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

* You think that the Stormtroopers Elite Guards are just KKK members with really good sheets.

Morny, Rune-sore-bees (24 February 2005)

Language proficiency is part of the international contracting scene. This exchange between an English-speaking traveler and a member of the hotel staff in a Far East hotel was recorded in the Far-East Economic Review.

Room Service: Morny. Rune-sore-bees.

Hotel Guest: Oh, sorry. I thought I dialed Room Service.

Room Service: Rye, rune-sore-bees. Morny. Djewish to odor sunteen?

Hotel Guest: Uh... yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.

Room Service: Ow July den?

Hotel Guest: What?

Room Service: Aches. Ow July den? Pry, boy, pooch...?

Hotel Guest: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.

If You've Been Good, Press One (22 February 2005)

If You've Been Good, Press One
by Daniel P. Dern, www.dern.com
© Copyright 1990 Daniel P. Dern
Hosted and used with permission of the author. All rights reserved; contact author (Daniel Dern, ddern@world.std.com) for any other intended usage.

My schedule this fall was been too hectic for my annual visit to the North Pole Toy Works, where I see what new information technologies "Pops" Kringle, NPTW's technophilic CEO, has brought on board in the intervening months (and, as often as not, what's gone awry).

So I reached out and called.

Instead of the usual cheery operator's voice, a deadpan recording answered.

Line 1. (20 February 2005)

Line 1.
Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one) pound. (See line 4.)

Line 2.
Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey. Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste.

Line 3.
Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater.

Instructions (18 February 2005)

Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

History

Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

Medicine

You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Public Speaking

2,500 aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm Them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

McDonnell Douglas Warranty Card (14 February 2005)

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1.
[_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt.
[_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name: .....................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name: ......................................................
Password: ............................... (max 8 char)
Code Name: ......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... ..........

Women's English (12 February 2005)

What They Say What They Mean
Yes No
No Yes
Maybe No
I'm sorry. You'll be sorry.
We need I want
It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk I need to complain
Sure... go ahead I don't want you to.
I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director (10 February 2005)

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

36 Signs You Might Be A Yankee (08 February 2005)

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

2. You think Heinz Ketchup is spicy.

3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

5. You don't know what a moon pie is.

6. You've never had grain alcohol.

7. You've never, ever, eaten Okra.

8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

10. You have no idea what a polecat is.

Jerry and the Money Manager (31 January 2005)

Tom, a buddy of Jerry’s, was the Administrative officer in an Air Force student squadron. One day the commander received orders to report to another base for duty, which meant Tom took over temporarily.

Over the course of the next two weeks, Tom dealt with every command function. One day, the clerk brought in a bad check notice that had about fourteen entries
on it, all under one individual’s name.

Jenny Gets Caught in a Storm (29 January 2005)

Jenny was lost in her car in a bad snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it. Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.

She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the snow plow got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if that she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.”

Jerry and the Snow Peas (27 January 2005)

Jenny answered the phone. It was Jerry. It seems that he was having a problem with his snow peas.
“What’s the matter with them, Jerry?”, Jenny asked.
“Well”, replied Jerry, “the plants seem to have grown nicely, but there’s hardly any pea pods on them.”
Jenny stopped by later that day to take a look. Sure enough, great looking plants, but hardly any pods. “I don’t know what to say. Maybe some weird genetic thing.”

Jerry's Golf Game (25 January 2005)

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Jerry was beginning his
pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice
came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - “Would the gentleman
on the Ladies tee please back up to the men’s tee, please!”

Jerry was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the
interruption. Again the announcement - “Would the man on
the women’s tee kindly back up the men’s tee!”

Jerry had had enough. He shouted, “Would the announcer in
the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!”

Seniors getting married (23 January 2005)

Jenny's great Aunt Harriet, a widow, had been dating an elderly widower for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, the man couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

"Oh", Harriet said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

Jerry and the Penguins (21 January 2005)

Jerry drives into a gas station on the outskirts of the big city and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks Jerry what he’s up to with the two penguins in his back seat. Jerry responded that he was not sure what to do.
The clerk says, “You should take them to the zoo”. Jerry thinks this is a good idea and drives away.
Several days later Jerry happens to stop at that same gas station. The clerk says, “I thought you were going to take the penguins to the zoo!”.
Jerry says, “Yes, we had a swell time there. Today I’m taking them to the beach”.

Jenny and the Cow Mechanic (19 January 2005)

A car driving down a country road sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed a cow looking at him. “I believe it’s your radiator,” said the cow.
Just then Jenny came driving down the road. The startled man waved her down and excitedly told her, “A cow just gave me advice about my car!”
“Was it that one with the big black spots on it?” Jenny asked.
“Yes, it was,” the man replied.
“Well, that’s Ethel,” said Jenny. “Don’t pay any attention to her. She doesn’t know any more about cars than I do.”

The Flat Tire (17 January 2005)

It seems Jerry was driving home from work one afternoon when he got a flat tire. He happened to pull over in front of the city’s largest mental institution. Jerry noticed one of the patients watching him from behind the fence as he grabbed the jack out of his trunk.
One by one, Jerry loosened each of the four lug nuts on the wheel and placed them inside the hubcap he had put on the ground. Off came the flat tire and on went the spare. But as he turned to grab the lug nuts, he kicked the hubcap and caused them all to roll into a sewer opening a few feet away.

Jerry's friend the Horse Breeder (15 January 2005)

Jerry was just coming out of the store with a bag of groceries when he bumped into Ken, a local horse breeder.
“Hey, Ken. How’s that record breaking filly of yours doin’?”
“Not so great.” replied Ken. “She was winning practically every race I put her in. Then she started getting tempermental. It got so when I raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last.”
“What did you end up doing?” Jerry asked.
“Well, I consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. I finally had to give up on her because she had become ... a real night mare.”

Jerry and Jenny go to a Car Race (13 January 2005)

Jerry took Jenny to a NASCAR Winston Cup Race last weekend. It was the first time Jenny had seen a race.

Well, Jenny went all dolled up with the shades and makeup and they sat right in front of the big screen at the raceway. As the race went on, Jenny noticed that every once in a while they would show a view from the inside of one of the cars. After a while Jerry noticed confussion on Jenny’s face so he asked, “What’s the matter”?

She turned to him and said, “I just can’t figure out where the camera man sits on the inside of the car.”
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